Nothing snaps a woman into full blown CSI mode faster than an unfamiliar ponytail holder in her car.
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I only shave half my face in case that I get arrested so that they will have two different side profile pictures.
My brother just found out he’s having another kid. He’s playing it pretty cool, but let’s see how his wife reacts when she finds out.
ME: (meeting the devil) I love your eggs.
If you don’t know me, don’t judge me. Unless you’re making me a pizza and you say
“This woman looks like she wants extra cheese.” That’s ok
This is probably a controversial take but I think the sanitation worker responsible for garbage collection on Sesame Street should be fired.
greetings!
Fact: Chihuahuas shake so much because their blood is two thirds Red Bull.
[Stares deeply into date’s eyes before going to the bathroom]
“I’ve counted these fries.”
[shark-filled moat]
ROBIN: golly, Batman, how can we distract them?
BATMAN: *pushing him in* we’ll think of something, chum
if you mash a potato and then change your mind, just mail me the mashed potato and i will un-mash it and send it back
Me: I’m really worried about becoming a first time dad, I’m just so forgetful.
10yo daughter: You don’t need to tell me.
you can talk about any topic for 30 mins if you’re a confident liar
My kid: I want my ears pierced!
Me: Not yet
Her: You’re Not The Boss Of Me!
Me: I grew your ears inside my body
Wife: You’ve been a naughty boy
Me: Yes I have!
Wife: You need to be punished *takes off clothes*
Me: Yes, I do!
Wife: Do the laundry
If you hear one of the high piano keys repeating slowly, you’re either watching a trailer for a horror movie, or you are a parent.
She has style. She has grace. She has mayonnaise on her face
My wife bought us a sex swing, and at first I was like “cool”, because I thought maybe we were getting a giant parakeet.
The most unrealistic thing about sitcoms is couples comfortably sharing a full size mattress
[Snake Owners Club]
Thanks for coming. A reminder, stuffing an animal into a sock does NOT make it a snake.
[Me & like 3 other guys leave]
Be back in a few days. Gotta shave my legs for spring. But, before I go, what’s the best way to sharpen hedge trimmers?
Twitter is great if you can’t afford therapy but you also don’t want to get any better.
THEN: Pizza
NOW: Cauliflower Pizza
THEN: Mashed Potatoes
NOW: Mashed Cauliflower
THEN: Fried Rice
NOW: Cauliflower Rice
THEN: Steak
NOW: Cauliflower Steak
THEN: Leather Jacket
NOW: Cauliflower Trenchcoat
THEN: A Car
NOW: Cauliflower with 4 wheels glued on.
I don’t understand why salads are seen as “dainty” food. I look more like a wild animal eating salad than literally anything else.
If your pee smells like burnt toast it’s time to get some new pee.
Remember folks, the more you decorate for the holidays, the more flammable your house & property. Happy Holidays!!
Her: What are you reading?
Me: “Sex and the Single Guy.”
Her: What’s that about?
Me: (Pause) Church architecture.
Every old house is haunted, but some ghosts are just clumsier than others.
Just told my driving instructor to put his seat belt ON for his safety. I’m definitely going to get the license this time.
What is the difference between a girl and a pool table?
You have a shot with a pool table.