If the USA is so great, why did someone make the USB
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you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
STOP TEXTING ME. IF I EVER PLANNED ON TALKING TO YOU AGAIN I WOULDN’T HAVE BORROWED ALL THAT MONEY.
him: send me a video showing me what you want me to do to you
me:
A judge in Oklahoma City wed a couple and then sentenced the groom to prison. That sounds redundant to me.
Noam Chomsky is a crazy name like you sound hungry as f***
Dropped ice in the kitchen?
Kick it under the fridge.Dropped a baby in the kitchen?
Kick it under the fridge.
Good morning to everyone, especially those who don’t need to turn every tweet into a sexual innuendo, I know it’s hard, very hard.
88% of the lies parents tell their kids are that the store was out of the snack that they forgot to buy.
I didn’t go to the Carribean, my tan is from standing infront of the rotisserie chicken at Costco
How to get out of a car in front of a large crowd of people
Step 1: forget to take your seat belt off
*travels back to 1930’s*
okay and that’s why you’ve got to kill hitler
FBI: wait so you can just look at naked lady videos anytime you want
It’s the man who is supposed to be getting up to make the coffee in the morning. It’s even in the Bible under “Hebrews.”
‘i have been exhausted since i was 30’
~me as a 29-yr old.
Explaining to my future spouse that I’ll never retire bc I bought too many treats in the summer of 2023
My boss bought a breathalyzer for our office because everyone comes back from lunch drunk. My personal best is .16
I forgot the word for decaf so called it a despresso
Q: How do you stop an astronaut’s baby from crying?
A: You rocket!
#HatDadJoke
When people call me a monster I always hope they mean a cute one like Cookie Monster
[Bowling Alley]
“I’m sorry sir, but we don’t have any bowling shoes left”
*gestures towards a happy family of centipedes bowling*
Ok, but if Kit Kats are filled with other broken Kit Kats, how did they make the first Kit kat ever?
if you think about all the people you didn’t marry, you’ve had a positive impact on virtually every life in the world
Whenever I’m on a flight and a bald person sits next to me, it takes a ton of willpower not to draw on their head when they are sleep.
Staying in shape is the worst idea, all you’ve done is advertise that you’re capable of helping people move
New Neighbor: Hi, I’m Derek; I moved in downstairs.
Me: I’m Spencer; I’ll be looking in your window and judging your decorating choices.
My houseplants watching me put water in the espresso machine
When I’m at a restaurant and see ‘secret sauce’ on the menu, I immediately tell the people at the table next to me
Women would be all over Bruce Wayne if he showed them the bat cave, but when I say… “hey wanna check out this cave under my house?”…. I get karate chopped
My mother always cooked with wine
while I was growing up back home.Occasionally she would even add
some to whatever she was cooking.
Me: Describe your love for me in one word.
Him: My what?
Fun fact: When swimming upstream, salmon can jump up as high as 6 feet.
Unless its a white salmon.