All I want for Christmas is a domesticated raccoon that wants to eat lasagna with me & go on quirky adventures. It would also be nice if the raccoon could do magic but I understand that is asking a lot and therefore, it is not required.
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I hope that boomerang I threw in 2009 is happy out there somewhere, maybe in a relationship with little boomerangs that don’t listen either.
Cashier: sir the conveyor belt isn’t meant for riding
Me: I- I gotta know
Cashier: know what?
Me: *sighs* what I’m really worth.
scan me
I’m just going to say it: I don’t think Arkham Asylum has good security.
My mom asked me to pick her up from the airport. I know she raised me, but if I do this, we’re even.
Friend: Can I be honest with you about something?
Me: Of course!
Friend: You sometimes-
Me: *walking into the ocean* Hahah I know, right?
My daughter just told me she doesn’t like Cadbury eggs and oh thank god bc the 12 I bought her accidentally fell into my facehole
How do typists like their apple pie?
With a little bit of qwerty cream.
“Eat your dinner so that lamb didn’t die for nothing” – will ensure you get your daughter’s helping, too.
I spent a good portion of today sitting in a Snuggie watching Cops. Eventually, they told me to go home and put on pants.
She got mad because she said don’t come in the house with those dirty shoes on so I took them off, how was I supposed to know my socks were just as bad.
Asked hubs to pick up tampons. Love doin that shit. Also said I needed super, light, long, short, orange ones so he’ll have to ask someone.
“You saw nothing.”
-me, to the neighbor kids about the toy I just shoved in the trash
If you stop vacuuming your stairs eventually they become a snack bar for your kids.
Rules for being a good neighbor:
1. MIND YOUR OWN GODDAMN BUSINESS
2. Don’t forget rule number one.
told my husband I was going to start eating healthy again and he went and bought girl scout cookies like someone who doesn’t value his life
Tried to type “I’m on my way” and autocorrect changed it to “I’m in my way” and that is probably way more accurate.
If by retirement plan you mean a swear jar, then yes I do have a retirement plan.
That’s it, teachers. Keep gloating on Facebook about your snow day. You’ll see my kids tomorrow after their breakfast of Coke & Pixy Stix.
When a celebrity tweets a whiny complaint at an airline, I vigilantly pray for them to get stranded on a runway for 72 hours.
My ex-girlfriend had weekly lessons with the devil on how to become more evil. I still don’t know how much she charges him though
When you’re dragging a boat full of sailors to its watery doom then suddenly remember you left the oven on
Me: Speak. C’mon, boy, speak.
Dog: No, I’m mad at you.
*Opens Google*
What date does Cinco de Mayo fall on this year?
In a cementary, I saw a guy crouching behind a tombstone. Morning, I said. No, he said, just taking a dump… .
my nickname in college
[visiting Hell as a tourist]
Satan: good morning, how do you want your eggs
Me: how bout *finger guns* deviled
Satan: congratulations you get to stay here
Monday, why can’t you be more like Tuesday and have tacos
i’m an idiot but secretly a genius but even more secretly than that, i’m an idiot
*pauses Airwolf on the VCR*
*sets wine cooler down on the coffee table*
*turns to her*ME: what do you mean this isn’t working out?