One advantage of looking creepy is people tend to avoid conversations with you.
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I touched a sticky one dollar bill and now I have to chop my hand off.
My friend is really bad at multitasking. Sometimes I’ll be on the phone with him and he’ll say “I’m going into an elevator” and hang up
Heard someone say their charcuterie house looks too good to eat and I don’t think they know how cheese works.
Millennials hate visitors but love having the most advanced doorbell money can buy.
Telling someone to “calm down” usually just makes them more angry. Instead just start blastin rainforest sounds from your boombox
Is this:
A. A blue shark
B. A leopard shark
C. A pelagic thresher
D. None of the above
Superman: Only one cookie left.
Batman: Rock, paper, scissors for it?
Superman: 1, 2, 3, GO!
Batman: *pulls out Kryptonite and eats cookie*
My 5-year-old told me to take the pizza out of the oven before it burns. I told her that I know what I’m doing and please don’t tell me what to do. I forgot about the pizza and ummm… I don’t think I’ll ever recover from this.
Do what I say and everyone gets hurt.
Rocket scientist: I don’t impress Shania Twain
Brad Pitt: I don’t impress Shania Twain
Guy who has a car: I’m gonna try my luck
Call me hun one more time and I stg I will invade a small European country.
therapist: whats the problem?
me: i keep having a reoccurring dream where there are five of me and we’re all yellow.
therapist: sounds like you’re bananas
The best thing about being an introvert is not having to wait on someone else to binge watch a show on Netflix.
Kids want pizza. Husband wants pizza.
I want Cracker Barrel. I’m driving so shut up and eat your meatloaf.
*destroys head of lettuce*
*becomes new ruler of all lettuces*
“I like to think I trained the toilet. It didn’t teach me anything”
Dad-confession: it took me two pulls to get the mower started today. No one saw it, but I feel I’ve gotta be honest and accountable to all of you when I fall short.
I’m no relationship expert but if your partner suddenly starts keeping the bathroom mirrors clean, get your affairs in order
Why does my mustard bottle insist on peeing in my sandwich before dispensing my mustard?
I was 15 minutes into destroying a plate full of ribs before I even noticed my date had left.
*notice roommate’s tampon wrappers in bathroom garbage*
*hides all my chocolate*
Worst perfume name ever.
I always cry at those YouTube videos of babies getting hearing aids and hearing their mother’s criticism for the first time.
We really are the most blessed generation. We’ve had 7 iPhones and 7 Fast and Furious movies.
Beats by Dre is such a huge success that I think he should start a sunglasses line.
50 Shades of Dre.
Don’t be scared of a snake. It’s just a slimey, conscious rope that is evil and can kill you.
If snot was currency we’d all end up paying through the nose.
Muppet Screams
My son is on guitar, my daughters are on drums and harmonica, and I’m on my second ibuprofen.
Every spider has the same powers as Spiderman, yet none of them choose to be superheroes. This is everything you need to know about spiders.