Cop: ‘You realize you were weaving?’
Me: ‘Technically , it’s called ‘texting’, but yes.’
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I just finished off my daughter’s leftover juice and swallowed a surprise tater tot. I’m not looking for sympathy, I just want you to be aware that this kind of thing can happen.
God: you’re a Squid.
Squid: actually I’m a Kraken.
God: what’s a Kraken?
Squid: nothing what’s a Kraken with you? lol.
God: wa-was that an ocean pun?
Squid: maybe, did you like it : )
God:
Squid:
God: you krilled it : )
You ever not fold your laundry for so long by the time you get around to it, none of the baby clothes fit the baby anymore?
Sexting:
Him: What do you like in the bedroom?
Me: Sleeping.
Him: No, I meant what can I do to make you happy in the bedroom?
Me: Close the door on your way out.
Him: No, I meant…
Me: Also lock the door.
*first time at a Michelin restaurant*
Me: “One order of tires, please.”
A good wedding prank is to say “I do” but just before the priest pronounces you man and wife, add “…karate.”
I fixed the internet, am tech genius
*turned the WiFi router off and on and now it’s working
“Trust issues? HAHAHAHAHA”
–Pluto, the former planet
There is no bigger warning of their behavior than my wife calling them, “your kids.”
Instead of being frustrated that you only have a 140 character limit just be thankful that I do.
Life is like a box of chocolates: Eventually it will kill your dog.
Cop: Do you know why I stopped you?
Me: *just ran a stop sign* Yes
Police radio: All units be advised: Dangerous suspect at large with the ability to read minds
Cop: *unsheathing his baton* Well well well
Practice safe sex and have sex with a vampire. Vampires are, by default, all about consent because they have to be invited inside.
Australia is like someone’s still playing jumanji
My dog knows me so well that if I return home within five minutes of leaving he knows I’ve forgotten something and will not be staying, so he doesn’t even bother getting up to greet me
I may have told my children they can get whatever they want at the store but I have the right as their mother to veto the first 864 things they pick out.
take the quarantine challenge!
come out the other side with the same number of children you had going in: don’t make any new ones,
don’t lose any on purpose in the woods
If I had any self control I’d probably eat that too.
When I asked for some alone time, I didn’t mean when I was bringing in the groceries.
Picture this. You’re blind folded. Sandra Bullock tells you not to look. You look. You’re surrounded by garbage and dirty socks. But how can this be? It smells amazing? This is a febreeze commercial.
If a giant talking rabbit were trying to steal my cereal, I’d probably be too busy screaming and stabbing to call him “silly.”
ME: [first day working at the Christmas tree farm] I shall treat them with love and attention as if they were my pets.
BOSS: I love that
ME: My fir babies
HER: Get out
Me: *stumbles in front of boss at work*
Boss: haha have a nice trip, see you in the fall
Me: *takes 8 month vacation*
CDC: keep at least 6 feet—
Spiders: GUYS WE GOT THIS
NEW DRINKING GAME:
1) Put on the new Twilight movie
2) When you press play, take 59 shots of vodka so you can die before it starts.
Me: how much for the seal Dracula
Zoo keeper: that’s a walrus
Mother of God, the man solved unsolvable crimes for eight straight seasons. When he says he has a hunch, believe him the first time.
best friend: the recording guy for our wedding cancelled on us
me: I can do it
best friend: thanks man!
[after the wedding]
best friend: *visibly angry* all you did was play that stupid flute the whole time
me: actually it’s a recorder
My 3yo instructed me to be the monster at the park but just as I was about to grab her she shouted “hey monster, it’s lunch time!” so I’m super impressed with her survival skills
Podiatrists don’t use metric.
They only deal with feet.