If you don’t agree with someone’s religious beliefs, just dance really hard in front of them like they did in Footloose and they’ll absolutely change their minds
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If my neighbors would just talk a little louder I could follow along with their conversation, but no. Rude.
PRO TIP:
Using a Starbucks cup to ask for change makes me think I’m worse off than you
Given their destructive force to homes, kids’ birthday parties should get names like hurricanes do. Birthday Party Hugo.
Yah I ordered a large pizza but it’s thin crust/ light cheese so basically it’s a salad .
Being brave is overrated.
Just run away, screaming, like a normal human being.
friend: don’t look but that girl is checking you out
me: [turning around] who
Medusa: hey
friend: I said don’t look
statue:
Him: How does my football throw look to you?
Me: Like you’re good at science…
Him: Do you have any food in your purse?
Me: I call it my Snack pocket. My snocket.
Him: Not all words need to be-
Me: ALL OPTIONS SHOULD BE EXPLORED DO YOU WANT THIS Ziplock OF WARM BABY CARROTS OR NOT?
“I’ll fix the roof myself,” I said, “save some money” I said…
Alexa, set the neighbor’s fire alarms for 3am.
When your computer’s memory runs out that’s ramnesia
Boss: What’s your five-year goal?
Me: Paid administrative leave.
He died doing what he loved
smelling things underwater
Me: I spy with my little eye someone who is guilty.
Murder suspect: Me?
Me: Ahah, so you confess!
I like to go hiking and by hiking I mean I like to stand in the woods while a moody soundtrack plays in my head and pretend I am a vengeful forest spirit
“I have the memory ofGOD DAMMIT LINE PLEASE!”
“An elephant, Dumbo. You have the memory of an elephant.”
“
help im covered in chameleons & no one believes me
I get it, mayonnaise. I am also disgusting yet liked by many.
i asked my husband to get something larger than the tiny bottle of olive oil he usually buys…
“Do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life”
Ok Brenda but watching Netflix and eating Nutella straight out the jar isn’t gonna pay my bills is it?
ME: I promise it will be different this time
THE BOOKS I NEVER READ: *throwing the flowers I brought into the compost*
*walks into funeral while playing the mandolin*
“I’m sorry. Am I interrupting?”
*dead guy sits up in casket*
No it sounds lovely. Keep going
Kidnapper: [on phone] we have your son.
Wife: actually I’m holding my son.
Kidnapper: [getting frustrated] then who the heck just asked for chocolate milk with a straw and made us cut the crust off his PB&J?
Wife: oh god.
Kidnapper: what?
Wife. you have my husband.
They said I’d have to kiss a lot of frogs before finding my prince. I never found him, but I did find out I’m REALLY into frogs.
I was thinking of becoming self employed but due to cutbacks I can’t afford to hire me right now.
“My therapist told me to create a calming atmosphere,” I tell the manager, after lighting every candle in the store.
*sets up 10 security questions for online account*
*clicks on “remember me”*
[At a San Francisco Dance Club]
*Grinds cute girl in a mini-skirt*Hey baby, what’s your name?
“Robert”
Either you’re giving me butterflies or that chicken was bad
every raccoon you see is currently on parole