Last year I ate out alone on Valentine’s Day. To avoid embarrassment, I yacked the whole time with a lovely couple the next table over.
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This day in history. 1701. Maryland legalized divorce in cases where the wife displeased their clergyman. What kind of kinky cult was that?
I’m really hungry, so I’m going to eat an apple and promote myself to starving.
Who called it Scientology and not Cruise control?
Just told my driving instructor to put his seat belt ON for his safety. I’m definitely going to get the license this time.
When I got my new jacket ,they said it was reversible. I tried it both ways ,but I had a hard time working the zipper behind my back
Got a new washer and dryer today, and I’ve been doing laundry all day long. I’ve washed everything that can be washed. Getting ready to go ask the neighbors for their laundry now.
dad: what should we name him
mom: something beautiful
dad: something unique
mom: any ideas
dad: matt
mom: ok
I had a dream about you. You were stupid there, too.
There is no room in this room cause you brought an elephant with you
All this construction in my area makes me realize how many weapons are just randomly lying around.
Why did they make Courtney Cox? Because Lisa Kudrow.
first day in the secret service. all the guys hazed me into kissing the president
Bound by notifications, we are the Fellowship of the Ding.
Was driving to a doctor’s appointment and ended up at my favorite donut shop so life does find a way
Hugging helps break the tension with strangers in elevators.
*turns Foo Fighters up on the radio*
ME: hell yeah
13: hell yeah, the classics
*clicks the radio OFF*
ME: you’re grounded
road rage
Being an adult is like being a paper clip. Everyone knows you’re twisted, but you’re expected to hold a lot of things together.
[eating chicken]
farmer: YOU AGAIN
Dolls have given us an unrealistic image of women. For example, I found out Russian women do not contain smaller Russian women inside them.
I don’t want to whine about how muggy it is but there’s a smallmouth bass right now hanging behind my right shoulder spell checking my tweet.
He says it’s ok.
There will always be a special place in my heart for my atrioventricular septum.
We’re in the exact point of climate change as when wile e. coyote runs off the cliff but hasn’t looked down yet
Felt a sharp pain in my chest & thought “oh shit, I’m having a heart attack,” but it just turned out to be my wife stabbing me.
80% of adulthood is trying to figure out what upset your stomach.
“Welcome to the library, can I help you”
“Yeah I need you to make copies and and find the forms I need from this website and print them and also could I get a pen and an envelope”
“Shall I pick up your dry cleaning too?”
“Oh my gosh do you guys do that, that would be amazing”
I saw a sign that said “bridge subject to icing” and I thought “that sounds delicious”
A salad is just a bowl of all the things I take off my hamburger.
How long after eating do I have to wait to drown someone?