There’s been lots of “OH MY GOD!” screams coming from the room opposite mine; I just wish the couple in there didn’t pick now to be praying.
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Me: What’s for dinner?
Wife: I’m making a quinoa and kale-
Me: [already at McDonald’s]
He said he was a Guardian of the galaxy, I thought that was pretty cool until I realised he was a security guard in a Samsung shop.
Apparently I pack an apple in my 5 year old’s lunch so it can get out of the house for a few hours.
You have no idea how many windows you have until someone is working on your gutters.
me: on second thoughts, hold the mayo
Every classic folk song is just dubstep turned inward
Fridges have magnetic doors because kids used to get stuck in them. We now literally have to tell adults not to eat tide pods.
Teacher: Does anyone have questions?
Me: If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy ACME stuff, why didn’t he just buy dinner?
T: Holy Shit
Remembering the time my science teacher couldn’t detect my heartbeat and got angry at me as though I was deliberately withholding my pulse to bolster my goth credentials.
Seduce Angela Merkel by fondling the hem of her cardigan while whispering “Aren’t you too pretty to be a Chancellor?”
Me: I have a new water bottle! I’m gonna get my 64 Oz a day now, bay-bee!
Also me: ᴀʟʟ ᴏꜰ ᴍʏ ʟɪꜰᴇ ɪꜱ ᴘᴇᴇ
My hobby is misidentifying dinosaurs so my daughter can correct me
me: yo lemme get somma those THYIICC fries
kfc: you mean potato wedges?
me: yes potato wedges please
Another wooden ball!!! Would it kill the makers of avocados to put a different toy inside?? I have like 12 already
Dogs naturally form packs, and if left undisturbed, will teach themselves how to play poker
“I Knew You Were Trouble When You Walked In” is my favorite Taylor Swift song about a racist shop owner.
The expression “you catch more bees with honey” also could imply that you may get stung by said bees.
You can’t change a person unless they wear adult diapers
Me: To the window; to the wall.
Realtor: Just to be clear we are discussing your house showing.
Milkshakes might bring the boys to your yard, but burnt garlic toast brings firefighters to your door.
[on a movie date]
me: wanna kiss
date: no thanks
me: *turning to the other person next to me* what about u
If you commit a crime be sure to wear running clothes, so if you need to flee the scene cops will just think “Look at that healthy jogger”
hypnotist: next time you smoke, youll taste something disgusting
me: disgusting as in gross or as in morally wrong
hypnotist: idk whatever
[later]
me: *spitting out cigarette* insulin costs HOW much
As Head Priestess of the North Glendale coven…in addition to requesting YET AGAIN everyone sign up for unholy committee duties…I’ll reiterate that your amulets MUST be smaller than mine, yes I mean yours Susan. Also there’s a Prius blocking the driveway. All hail the Dark Lord.
please god what the hell did i do to deserve all this *flashback to 12 years ago when i threw a flashbang at my own team in CounterStrike*
There is no casual way to ask someone to move in with you. It’s a very big step in any relationship. It takes careful planning & excellent timing to figure out how to approach that conversation. That said, it’s not impossible to lure a raccoon into your home. In this essay,
If you get into a fight with a polar bear, boost your chances of success by requesting a postponement until 2065. There’s a good chance polar bears will be extinct by then so you’ll win by default for just turning up
I sleep better naked, why cant the flight attendant understand that?
Tip of the day: Don’t try to scratch an itchy ankle while on a treadmill.
Growing up, I had lots of nicknames but my best would always be ‘Officer! That’s him over there’… It gave me my sprinter’s physique.