If insanity is repeating the same action expecting a different outcome, should I just wait til my kids are in college to clean the house?
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Then he told me, “Where you see only one set of footprints, that’s where I had to carry you because you drank all the water I turned into wine.”
God: welcome to heaven. here’s your wings.
Adam West: [putting on batman cowl] I won’t be needing those.
Me: have a great eye for detail
Also me: couldn’t tell when they changed doctors on Dr. Who
Princess: I shall marry whomever of you is the bravest
Suitors: [all awkwardly look at the toaster]
ME: I’m giving you to the count of three
SON: does he have a castle?
“Ladies, calm down. Girlfriend, wife, whatever. The important thing is that between the 2 of you, you brought enough to post my bail”
“So send me a picture of you…”
*sends*
“Look I need to leave very abruptly and extremely forever.”
What do you mean you don’t like Mountain Dew?! Do you even think about the Appalachian children, setting out before sunrise each morning, climbing high to collect the finest dew from the finest mountains? No, you only think about yourselves.
Do people who go to stores on Black Friday know that if you anger your entire family, you don’t have to buy holiday gifts?
How do you say “I’m sorry I got you pregnant, but my plane leaves in an hour. I might visit the baby one day.” in Korean?
My dad caught me smoking meat once and forced me to smoke an entire pack of pork chops. Now I run a successful butcher shop, thanks Dad.
YOUR MARCH HOROSCOPES:
Aries: Stay inside.
Taurus: Stay inside.
Gemini: Stay inside.
Cancer: Stay inside.
Leo: Stay inside.
Virgo: Stay inside.
Libra: Stay inside.
Scorpio: Stay inside.
Sagittarius: Stay inside.
Capricorn: Stay inside.
Aquarius: Stay inside.
Pisces: Stay inside.
[Who Wants To Be A Millionaire]
ME: I’d like to phone a friend.
HOST: (after 14 different attempts with no answer) The shows only an hour long.
Motherhood is like being a fireman putting out fires but everyone is shouting out how you’re doing it wrong and criticizing your sweatpants.
I don’t know where this squirrel’s husband is but he’s in deep shit
It is true. Time flies when you are having fun.
However it is also true that Time eventually rests on a tree branch and shits on your head.
me: head, shoulders, knees and toes, eyes and ears and mouth and nose
CDC: no
Twitter is the new Circuit City grift 🤣
Me: Man I’m never going to find the one
Friend: You will, dude
Me: [browsing Netflix] There’s just too many options
My husband thinks I’ve been on my phone checking the weather for the last 3500 hours
guy: hey that’s a great truck. what kinda engine?
me: [rubbing the hood] it’s got a truck engine
My ex texted “You’ve got a friend in me. XoXo”.
I thought she was being too nice until I realized that she was talking about my buddy Dave.
I learned 2 things today:
My cat is slightly smaller than an average duck
That won’t stop her from trying to fight an average duck
I think my nephew finally figured out that there’s no chameleon in this cage & that his Xmas present is a cage.
You like bad boys? Not to brag but I’m bad at everything.
-me flirting
20% of being the BBC Wimbledon presenter is telling people what other telly programmes have been cancelled.
[date]
HER: Silence of the Lambs is my favorite movie.
ME: Oh me too.
HER: Which part do you like best?
ME: *sweating* Um, when the lambs stop talking.
Tried to touch my husband’s face and he tattled on me to his mother.
when u get caugt lying on ur resume but u still try to convince the interviewer that ur qualified for the job
Shhh, turn out the lights and hide. My feelings are knocking on the door.