If you ask me to give you a ride anywhere on less than 2 hours notice, you’re gonna be sitting in a pile of empty soda bottles and chip bags.
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I ordered a large pizza and before answering the door, I yelled, “Pizza is here,” so the delivery guy doesn’t think I’m eating a large all by myself.
Motherhood is accidentally handing the cashier some change with baby teeth in it and having to assure them that you’re also the tooth fairy and not a serial killer
Sharks are so misunderstood. They ONLY eat people’s legs because they want you to transform into a mermaid and be friends with them.
Spice up your meltdown through interpretive dance.
“I should probably start filling this thing out.”
-I say about my son’s baby memory book on his wedding day.
I wish they sold off-brand cars.
I’d get me a Joop
[In the gym] hey guys it’d be a lot easier to lift these weights if we worked together
Peter Parker Peter Driver
Age 20: Gonna make something of my life
Age 30: Not really going as planned
Age 40: THEY KNOW ME BY NAME AT THE LIQUOR STORE
Cop: You appear intoxicated. Can you walk this line?
Me: No problem. Stay in the car Grandma
G-ma: Can he use my walker? He’s been drinking.
Thanks to a fan for this one!
[face pressed against the glass case in the butcher shop] This is a bad zoo
I’d rather lose the Super Bowl than have Gatorade poured on me.
Yes, I would like to see a wine list, because I don’t mispronounce enough words in my day-to-day life.
I’m pretty terrified of the possibility that you guys might crawl out of my phone like that girl in The Ring.
I was mowing with earbuds. My mom pulls up. I motion I can’t hear. She gives OK sign and proceeds to motion by thumping her chest. Pointing to her house and puts up 9 fingers. Idk wtf is happening. She gets mad and speeds off. Cause ya know, it’s my fault obviously.
Just overheard a woman on her phone here at the airport say “I’m literally here at the airport” and it was kind of thrilling to hear the term used correctly.
You might remember me from such productions as Skirt Tucked Into Pantyhose, or, Oh! You Weren’t Waving at Me.
the legend of bigfoot and the bodacious badonkadonk
I’m being attacked 😭
My dog is dreaming. Based on the noises and twitches coming from him… he’s fighting off a Korean Chef.
I feel so envious when I see young mothers pushing their babies in strollers. I want my OWN…..my own stroller & someone to push me.
8yo got mad and retaliated by stomping out of the room and turning the light off on me, so I guess that’s one way to get her to turn the light off when she leaves the room.
What do people in non-baseball countries call second base?
If simply wrinkling my nose at your smell is politer than spraying you head to foot with Febreze then so be it.
Not happy but so be it.
I feel like Indiana Jones every time I go looking for keys in my purse.
A few years ago I accidentally left one of my kids at the Alamo. It wasn’t too bad, it was less than 20 minutes when we realized. The problem is now, at 17, anytime she wants something she says, “REMEMBER THE ALAMO?” and my mom guilt takes over and she gets whatever she wants.
Nowadays pictures are more filtered than water.
confession: when my barber spins me around and hands me a mirror to check the back I just fake it. Who is even that coordinated?
*phone rings
15: I hope it’s him!
*phone rings
25: hope it’s about the job
*phone rings
35: (handing phone to stranger) i died. tell them