1) My wife and I are fighting
2) My phone has an annoying ringtone whenever someone RTs me
3) My phone is in the room where she’s sleeping
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Always a bridesmaid, never a body at the bottom of a lake
Date: I love car chase action scenes
Me, a fruit stand vendor: I think we’re done here
I’m sorry you’re breaking up [static sound] I’m about to go through a tunnel.
Dad, we’re right in front of you
Uh….. go ask your mom.
Halloween candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
[product design]
CEO: I want our dry grocery items to have built-in Ziploc closures
me: OK should they be easy to open?
CEO: absolutely not
“Sweet dreams you piece of shit.” I try to snap the prison guard’s neck but just make him look to the left very quickly.
I own a lot of Nike shirts for a guy who just bought a movie on iTunes so he wouldn’t have to get up and get the DVD from the other room.
FRIEND: what was the best day of ur life
WIFE: our wedding day
ME (thinking of the time the Coke machine gave me 2 cans instead of 1): same
CANADA WATCHING US NEWS
Priest: *running from confessional hyperventilating*
me: *chasing after him* HEY WAIT THERE’S‘ MORE.
I love you too, my dear tree. But I fear my wife is beginning to suspect
I own a lot of cleaning supplies for someone whose friends inscribed “dust me” on my coffee table recently.
Wanna know what it’s like being married?
Chain yourself to a wild animal.
Now kick the animal.
I am so proud to be part of a society that needs television commercials to remind us not to lock our kids in hot cars.
my daughter: dad I want you to meet my new boyfriend
me, modern and woke: okay great
my daughter: he’s a bee
me: *clenching my jaw* okay great
I think the cat got the dog high.
Who snuck Monday in here? 🙄
A Mexican stand-off, but it’s 3 Canadians each trying to pay the bill and they all have to pee
My parents just called.
M+D: We started watching Captain America Civil War from the middle.
ME: You should watch it from the beginning?
M+D: It came on TV and we caught it halfway through.
ME: Okay.
M+D: Real quick – why are they all at the airport fighting each other?
barista: do you just want the 2 cookies and one brownie
me: thank you for the word ‘just’
Forget hobbies and and interests, dating apps should require people to share their Amazon order histories.
I wasn’t invited to the #MetGala this year so I’m making my own at home
I’m sorry the hint I dropped on you was tied to an anvil.
How about a child exchange programme where if your kid is being annoying you can just swap them with someone else’s vodka?
At the park, my daughter & I saw an old man gardening at a church next door. He smiled & tossed a pale root vegetable over the fence at me. We didn’t speak the same language so I dunno what it is, but I planted it & it’s growing like crazy. This is how a Stephen King novel starts
[1907. the first convenience store opens]
GUY WHO INVENTED INCONVENIENCE STORES: damn
The political activism in this country has gotten out of hand. My son is lobbying for equal pay from the tooth fairy after hearing that some kid got $20.
*grabs walmart intercom*
WHY DID YOU LET ME GRAB THIS INTERCOM? I DON’T EVEN WORK HERE
*fighting noises*
YOU’RE GONNA LOSE YOUR JOB
If pizza places cold called people’s homes and asked if they wanted to order a pizza, I guarantee you their business would triple.
When a woman says she’ll be ready in 5 minutes, I know I have just enough time to fly to space & finish building my Death Star before we go.