If two creepy eels slither up to you and promise to solve all your problems and make your dreams come true, be skeptical. That’s all I’m saying.
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Before I die, I’m going to arrange for a friend to take my phone, and after the funeral, text everybody to say “thanks for coming” and other assorted messages of appreciation.
I have the impulse control of a random number generator.
Confidence is sexy. Arrogance is not.
There are 3 types of people:
1. Dog people
2. Cat people
3. Clean house people
(Adobe CEO’s house)
Like the new couch hun?
Update it.
What about the wallpap…
UPDATE IT ALL.
You’re scaring the ki…
UPDATE THEM TOO…
One of these days I’m going to see a video on Tik Tok that tells me I have been breathing wrong my whole life and I’m just gonna stop.
Start yelling “DON’T FORGET!” when saying goodbye to people so that they panic about what they’re supposed to be remembering
Who else does this?
1. wets toothbrush
2. puts toothpaste on toothbrush
3. wets toothbrush again
4. does backflip on to huge pile of money
i like how every TEDtalk ever is just like “organize your time better” and everyone says “revolutionary, thank you”
[hospital]
Looks like ur Vine went viral.
“Yay!”
Sorry ur VEIN went viral…you have a fatal blood disease.
“So wait–my Vine didn’t go viral?”
Sometimes I find myself feeling hopeful for the future of the human race but then I remember there are grown men who like My Little Pony.
“Yay, outdoor soccer in the rain”
– said no mom, ever
People laughed when I said I wanted to be a professional snooker player. They’re not laughing now because it was ages ago.
When I eat nachos, I like leave one last chip alive so he can tell the story.
MUGGER: give me ur wallet
ME: stand back i have mace
MUGGER: [sniffing] is this cookies-scented febreze
When I practice my saxophone I have to put the cat in the window, so my neighbours know I’m not kicking it around the living room.
All I’m saying is if I was murdered there’d be a lot of suspects
Hey kids,
Turns out you *will* need math one day because the 15 almonds you’re allowed to snack on aren’t going to count themselves
– adults
How many times should you try starting your snowblower before you realize it’s not going to start? According to my neighbor it’s 458 times.
Revenge is a dish best served cold. Unless revenge is a meatloaf. That you should heat in the oven for forty-five minutes at 350 degrees.
People who say “the future is now” don’t understand how time works.
It isn’t a coincidence almost all movies about camping are horror.
Having a bad vocabulary is very bad
youtube has completely changed how we handle home repairs. before, if something broke, you had to call a guy and wait for him to fix it. now you can just watch some youtube videos so you’re not bored while he fixes it.
I’d have murdered my husband years ago, but the only place w/ more laundry than my house is prison.
Welp, I just ran my car off the road. I was doing the “We Will Rock You” beat with my hands and forgot I don’t have a self-driving car
If you put on a really cute outfit you can walk around a nightclub selling people drinks that you find on tables.
My kid: I’m cold, can I have some tea?
Also my kid: *puts 8 ice cubes into hot tea*
Kids today are too obsessed with their phones to care about the “free candy” on my van.
*crosses off “candy” and writes “wi-fi”
Is it a good sign when your therapist keeps saying Ka-Ching?