A penguin is a bird the way a hot dog is a sandwich
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ER Dr: What are you doing?
Me: I’m decorating.
ER Dr: Why?
Me: According to my bill I live here now.
*a conspiracy theorist on the titanic talking to other passengers as the ship slips into the ocean*
oh, you think an iceberg caused this? frozen water cannot penetrate a steel hull. it’s impossible. you need to wake up. this is a controlled sinking…
My daughter came downstairs an hour earlier than normal this morning and caught me hiding eggs. I had no choice but to tell her the truth: I woke up early to steal the candy that the Easter Bunny had left her.
So apparently “mind how you go” isn’t a universally used phrase. We’ve always said it in our family (especially in Ireland). My girlfriend’s parents looked at me like I was speaking Welsh when I said it.
Me: (after eating 12 fudgesicles)
Ok. Time to get to work.You: You can actually buy popsicle sticks at any craft store.
Me: Don’t question my art.
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: disappointing people
professor x: I was expecting a much better answer
me: see?
walking into gamestop smoking a cigar to announce that i own $60 of stock and i demand they add garfield to super smash bros
BOSS: We need to look in the mirror and see where we can improve.
ME: *to Gary, who I suspect is a vampire* Go ahead, Gary. You first.
bigfoot [eating a clown]: hey these might actually be my size
The dinosaurs didnt “rule the earth” they were just alive stop giving them credit for administrative skills they almost certainly didnt have
When my hairdresser asked me if I intentionally styled my hair like that, I panicked.
I told her someone jumped me in the parking and styled it. I’m a quick thinker you know.
Is it physically possible to be sad in rollerskates? Cause I think my cat’s just being dramatic.
“Don’t put all your eggs in one basket” is just a line fed to us by Big Basket.
CDC: money is dirty
Money launderers: this is our time to shine
Every group chat births a second smaller group chat without the annoying people, and if you think yours doesn’t, I have some bad news
Played Monopoly with a kid & argued that I CAN buy the jail.. Teaching him a valuable lesson about the privitisation of the prison system.
Most people don’t think I’m as old as I am until they hear me stand up.
I stepped on a plate of wet cat food this morning so no I don’t care about taking off my shoes at the airport
How did harry potter get down the hill?? Walking .. JK Rownling
My kids will be late to school even if we lived inside the school
Got kicked out of the flat earth bar for offering to buy everyone a round.
Seize the day. Repossess the evening. Impound last week. Forcibly confiscate the entire month of September.
*Dad enters room dressed as Han Solo*
“May divorce be with you”
“What?”
“Your mother and I are getting a divorce. I figured I’d make it fun”
I shall play you the song of my people
*stomach growls*
As highly as it’s esteemed, the Mayo Clinic still sounds like the place sick sandwiches go to get better.
[Trapped on a Island]
*Message in a bottle*
“Please send help!”*Gets message back, months later*
“Linda invited you to play Candy Crush”
[first day as diving instructor]
Guy [from the back]: what’s the signal for a shark
Me: sharks don’t really give signals they just show up
I’m convinced that people are now just getting married and having babies to have something to post on FB
Premeditated murder is a harsh accusation. I prefer “former girl scout who is always prepared.”
bought a box of 100 crickets from the pet store and released them back into the ocean were they belong