It looks like our local Walgreens is dressing up as Christmas for Halloween.
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[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He was allergic to bees. His shoes smelled like old bananas.
Shoutout to the mosquito who drank all my blood but managed to remain so thin.
Elon Musk is now worth $208 billion.
You want to know how he did it? He skipped 34.67 billion lattes. It’s that easy.
For sale: Baby, won’t stop selling its shoes.
Bruce Willis on a jetski, being pursued by a pug on a smaller jetski
“Full of sound and fury signifying nothing.”–how I told my wife the baby was gassy but didn’t have poop. Thanks, English degree.
[on a first date]
Her: …
Me: …EMT: So, whose idea was it to go ice skating?
My signature move is getting drunk before anyone can ask me to be the designated driver.
My 3yo said ‘mummy’ 6,358 times today and I can’t find the page in the parenting book that tells you what to do when they malfunction
Thoughts and prayers for my mom, she’s really struggling with my weight
Gonna start saying “that’s what they want you to believe” whenever anyone disagrees with me
U can give out anything on Halloween it doesn’t have to be candy last year I gave a kid my cable bill it was awesome he paid it & everything
[6:00]
This edible is never going to hit.[6:20]
*stirring my Pepsi with a fork*
No I’ve never had a tumor removed, but I did uninstall facebook
I like my pizza like i like my square root of 64.
Ate.
Thinking about the time I invited a date over for a BBQ & asked him to pass me the hot dog knife so I could pry hot dogs out of the package. He stopped & said “Hot dog knife?” At which point, I realized other people did not have designated hot dog knives. There was no 2nd date.
I have two selves:
One wants to be skinny and my jeans to fit. The other is a fat, hungry monster who would murder her own grandmother for a butterfinger.
Me: [raises hand to hail cab]
*Catches random touchdown pass
Wild bee: just getting snack
Me: no prob beeMason bee: just make house
Me: build a way bHoney bee:jus sampling the lavenders
Me: you know I got an assortmentBumble bee: hey *bonk* I jus *bonk* I h
Me: *holds flower still*Wasp: I’LL SEE U IN HELL
Me: U TELL THEM WHO SENT U
Police – OPEN UP OR WE ARE COMING IN
Me- SOUNDS GREAT CAN YOU GRAB MY CHARGER FROM MY CAR
Survey: Are you a Democrat or a Republican?
Me: Labels are for soup cans
Survey: Can you tell us which way you’re leaning?
Me: Clam chowder
all pants are breakaway pants if you’re angry enough
Girls are like strawberries. Sometimes they’re at the grocery store
Romance is:
Making her a sandwich and cutting it in half using your miter saw for the perfect angle.
Amazon lost our order of Altoids and they had to ship another one, so I am experiencing resentmint
I pulled a muscle trying to avoid my neighbor in the grocery store.
[First Date]
Me: I’ll just have a salad.
[Second Date]
Me: *on table, hunched over like four plates of nachos, hissing* My precioussss.
My favorite part of riding an elevator is staring at my phone while avoiding eye contact with the person I just tried to close the doors on.
No, whenever there’s trouble YOU seem to be around…officer.
What do you mean you are supposed to breathe while you eat.