{first date}
Him: I’m 100% Italian.
*trying to impress him*
Me: Wow that’s so crazy my dad happens to be a calzone
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Sex scenes in movies are okay but the audience MUST BE WARNED. A red flashing light, words on the screen saying WARNING: SEX SCENE AHEAD and a loud ‘awooga! awooga!’ type siren would be a good start
HR Manager: Some of your coworkers think you’re mean and vengeful
Me: They are going to pay for saying that
*first day working the gas pumps*
Me: ‘Paper or plastic?’
Why are they called fireflies and not Bugs Lightrear?
You can just make up words and if you say them in a Scottish accent, people will think they’re real:
Looka the wee janglers on that tary bibbit.
FFS. A bunch of ants are making brunch plans and doing yoga,because I spilled my Pumpkin Spice Latte,
*pulls at 28° angle… FAIL
*pulls at 29° angle… FAIL
*pulls at 28.528419094° angle… STAYS!!
– Me pulling up Blinds
Sephora employee: Congratulations! You have 100,000 points. You can choose 3 of the following.
doctor: are you sexually active?
me: buddy, i’m not even regularly active
*sees a bug in my apartment*
me: *yells at the spiderweb in the corner*
WHAT THE SHIT, FRANK?! WE HAD A DEAL
*takes bite of Pringle* yes *nods at date then waiter* we’ll have the tube
How do people know spiders are more afraid of me than I am of them? Like, did you ask him? Because only one of us is screaming right now.
INTERVIEWER: your resume says that you take things too literally
ME: how the hell did my resume say that?
Me: It’ll just make mom grumpy, so don’t tell her that the dishwa…..
4 year old: MOM! DISHWASHER’S BROKEN!
[diner]
ME: I’ll have the eggs, please
WAITER: how would you like those?
ME: painted and hidden for me to find, thank you.
I’m only grabbing fast food to refill my napkin collection in the car.
2yo’s favorite cartoon is teaching him about centrifugal force.
When I was little, my favorite cartoon taught me never to order from Acme.
*buys a bunch of stuff at Costco*
Sir, you wanna box for those?
“Nah, I hate violence. Can I just pay cash?”
This isn’t fat this is a stockpile. I’m doomsday prepping.
I’m the hottest thing these people at the cataract surgery center have ever seen.
I went out for a walk and the neighbor kids asked if I could play. Later losers, I have friends now.
ASSISTANT: People are worried you won’t do all the things you promised.
TRUMP: I’ll just blame someone else.
ASSISTANT: Like who?
TRUMP:
My 3yo said Cheese is her favorite place. I don’t know if I should be worried that she thinks cheese is a place or sad because it’s not.
My husband just reminded me that we have fish sticks which is awesome because I was worried I didn’t have anything to pack my kids for lunch that they wouldn’t eat
*grabs knife, cuts forehead, lies on floor*
Wife walks in: “WHAT HAPPENED?”
“A burglar came in right when I was about to clean the house”
I have the same toxic argument every Thanksgiving where I insist that Sopranos is the American Evangelion and my late 60s/early 70s uncle keep reiterating they haven’t watched any animes and don’t really have strong opinions on TV :/
get you someone as goofy as you.. is.
I’m sorry I pronounced your name wrong, because your mother ignored all laws of grammar in the English language
I just raced a Smart car. He barely beat me, but that’s only cuz I stopped to tie my shoe.
I still don’t understand why we are supposed to eat the tampon afterwards