*swims up to girl in pool* so do you.. actually this is quite deep jesus *just disappears*
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So the mullet is back but ffs don’t bring back the rat’s tail.
#RubbishJokes #Coffee
Waiter, waiter, the coffee is cold!Thanks for letting me know, ice coffee is one pound dearer.
daughter: do you realize that you talk to yourself?
me: so you won’t answer when I call you but you’ll eavesdrop on my conversations?
daughter:
Cop: There’s been another break in at the bakery.
Swan: I wouldn’t know anything about it.
Cop: *hands him a bread roll*
Swan: Word at the pond is that ducks did it, but you didn’t hear it from me.
been searching for the right mix of relaxing sounds to help me sleep and i tried nature noises but they ended up freaking me out like one of them had so many frogs. one frog is ok but this was too many frogs. like an army of frogs. who can sleep when there is a war on the bayou
A fondue party… But instead of bread, it’s more cheese. And instead of people, it’s even more cheese.
Not sure what a Shakira coochie board is but white people really like it
I never believed in reincarnation before but… Dad?
My kids: Papa, we’re pretending we are hurricanes!
Me: What do you mean by pretending?
Random girl: OMG I love your UGG boots
Me: No No… that’s just the way my feet look
[shaving legs] hang on, these aren’t mine
My 3yo plays a version of hide-and-seek where if you find her, she cries.
I support traditional marriage between a man and one of his own ribs.
I met a young fashion designer earlier, and it wasn’t long before I was in the bedroom ripping her clothes off.
I love counterfeiting stuff
Do you think Ariel ate the scallops whose shells she wears as a bra or that she just found them?
Waiter: I meant any questions about our menu.
My 4 year old refused his dinner but it’s ok because I caught him eating a Milkbone earlier
robert frost: i took the road less traveled by, and that has made all the difference
boss: you’re six hours late
Always keep your head up and stand proud! That way your double chin won’t show in your pictures.
Relationship status: my last pickpocket had really gentle hands.
Sorry I told you we should definitely hang out sometime and then didn’t answer my phone for 5 years
RSVP: ⚪️yes ⚪️no ⚫️yes now but then no later on
wife: ugh the baby’s been crying for hours, can you take over?
me: sure *starts crying for hours*
The best essential oils are the ones that drip out of Tacos.
Why call it a sleeping pill rather than bedicine?
Friend: how do u maintain your boyish glow
Me: [trying to keep down a mouthful of lightning bugs] I wish I could tell u
Her: You enjoy silently judging everyone, don’t you.
Me: Silently? No.
I suspect that the deep state is using nanotechnology to make my underwear tighter and I don’t like it.
The masseuse asked if I wanted her to finish me, I said yes & then she ripped my spine out & said “Flawless Victory!”
Welcome to your fifties. You have seven pairs of reading glasses throughout your house, but you can’t find any of them, including the ones on your head.
job interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness
me: that I need money. imagine if I was adequately funded? my god. the carnage