The overwhelming majority of haunted stuff happens in hallways and stairways, which is why a studio apartment is the best choice ghost-wise.
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Wake me when AI does housework
*calls restaurant*
Me: Hi is your place a kid friendly restaurant?
Host: Of course it is sir
*hangs up*
Idk y men go to bars to meet women? Go to Target. The female to male ratio is 10 to 1 and they’re already looking for things they don’t need
Tall girls might get modeling contracts but I can still ask for the high school student discount.
if you dating baby shark you single to me. what he gonna doo doo doo doo doo doo
“No, I didn’t forget your gift”
*digs in purse
“Got you this hairspr..I need that. Got you this keyring”
*removes keys
applebees is a word that starts off pretty tame but takes a dangerous twist
[JAN 1]
*tears off Dec 2016 calendar page*
[JANUARY 2016, Part 2]
What?
*flips*
[YOU DIDN’T THINK]
*flips*
[2016 WOULD END, DID YOU?!]
NOO!!
Give a man fish and you’ll feed him for a day…… Give a fish a man and you’re probably in the Mafia
They’re called werewolves.
a good captain goes down with the ship, i personally don’t need a professional obligation to sink to the bottom of the ocean, i just do it
Give a man a six pack and he’ll drink for a day.
Give him a 24 pack and he’ll drink for a day.
[immortal aliens studying us]
After about 80 years, they enter a larval stage and lie dormant underground. We don’t know what happens next.
Women’s voices naturally get higher as they get excited so if you’re in bed and she still sounds like Morgan Freeman, try harder.
if Barbie’s elbows or knees bend when she puts on clothes i’m out
WAITRESS: Let me clear this up for you.
ME: Thanks.
WAITRESS: [to my date] He’s not ready for anything serious right now.
I played monopoly with 10 and I told him he wasted all his money on 3 properties for hotels no one would probably land on.
Then I landed on it and he bankrupted me. Too bad he’s gotta sleep outside tonight.
[fancy restaurant]
me: this has a fine oaky taste
sommelier: sir is eating the cork
I used to dream of having my own washer and dryer, three kids later I dream of having my own laundromat
*people on Wheel of Fortune
“I enjoy skiing & doing crosswords”It’s never
“I like hamburgers & threesomes”
How do I tell Instagram I don’t want to see guys almost eaten by gators?
I’m into all kinds of spirits: the paranormal kind and the drinking kind.
doctor: you’re going to di-
me: disney?
doctor: no
Look,if they showed up and watched the entire Super Bowl and had a good time with everyone.Then washed the dishes,cleaned up, did the laundry, washed your car and cooked dinner afterwards then you just might have found Valentine material!
I’m 32 years old and I’ve watched Frozen 26 times this week…
For those of you out there thinking about having unprotected sex tonight…
[friend being eaten by a bear]
*screaming violently*
Me: Stay calm! Don’t move so much! I’m trying to take a picture for snapchat!
Beauty & the Beast 2 is just 90 minutes of Belle and the prince shopping for new furniture after it all turned back into people.
Hey when I die will you please put my body into a box and then bury it in a big yard specifically for body boxes?
You take the garbage out and forget to put a new liner in the kitchen trash can and your family throws garbage in anyway because team work.
The closest I’ve come to mastering a martial art is figuring out how to wash my feet in the shower