Make a horror film less scary by putting old timey words in the title, i.e. The Thingamabob, Jason Goes To Heck or The Hills Have Peepers.
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Listening to a friend tell me about her deep and meaningful dream knowing last night I dreamed I found a cave cricket in my nose.
me: I wish for infinite wishes!
genie: ok
me: wait are you serious
genie: [exhaling cigarette] yeah I don’t give a shit
I got fired from my office job for misunderstanding the meaning of 3 hole punch.
Dog tried taking me for a run. I wasn’t having it. I made her drag me the whole time.
My kid: I’m cold, can I have some tea?
Also my kid: *puts 8 ice cubes into hot tea*
I just cleaned the birdbath and now there’s a line for it.
In the mornings lately I find evidence of carrots or celery in my daughter’s bed from her late night snacking and I’ve never been more concerned that she might not be mine
Guy just walking down the street minding his own business when bodega gato runs out and jumps up on his walker. They just standing / sitting at this impasse for like five full min now…
*Werewolves spot a group of teens smoking pot around a campfire*
Werewolf 1: Edibles!
*hears giggling kids
7: Then baby cows can just walk into my house!
Me (in the bathroom): WHAAAAT?
I have nothing nice to wear for the government shutdown
just clicked the “find my size” button on a clothing website and the prompt that came up said “what size do you normally wear” I selected my size and then it said “you should get that size”
um excuse me what’re we doin’ here
“Have a seat”
*Turns on video of son eating pizza with a fork and knife.*
“Dad I…” **Dad puts up hand* “Please don’t call me that.”
If I had to choose between watching Frozen 1 and Frozen 2, I’d probably choose whiskey.
HER: Do you have any funny dating stories?
ME: [thinking about the time I wrote 2007 when it was actually 2008] Just one
[shitfaced at my HS reunion] Has anyone seen the lunch lady
Paralegal activity. #BoringHorrorMovies
me: here’s a glass of ice, ma’am
girl: i asked for water
me: patience, Linda
Dead animal names:
A dead fly is called a flew
A dead goose is a ghoost
A dead gnu is a gnold
A dead pig is a bacon
My 3-year-old said, “Daddy, you’re big & strong like a garbage truck.” Thanks, I think. I often view of myself as a mobile trash receptacle.
At the dr’s office: “So, do you think this is a hemorrhoid?”
My therapist:
Turtle 911: Whats ur emergency?
Turtle: MY GIRLFRIEND JUST DISAPPEARED!
911: Have u tried looking in her house?
Turtle: oops never mind.
As kids, we wondered why our parents were always in a bad mood.
Now we’re like, okay yes this makes sense.
For Lent, I’ve decided to stop murdering drifters in the woods off 495.
Asking me if I want a bag for the box of tampons I just bought is like asking me if they’re for here or to go.
Me: “Can you go back four slides?”
Bride: “To the wedding dress?”
Me: “No, the cheese plate.”
Me: Wipes tears.
How do I know you’re not a cop?
“If I was a cop, how would I have this?”
*shows police badge that just says ‘Not a Cop’ on it*
Oh, okay good
If she calls me cheap one more time I’m gonna return her anniversary gift to 7/11.
Here me out, Jurassic Barbie.
Every time I get the urge to clean, I watch Hoarders and I decide my house isn’t that dirty after all.