I start conversations with my children by saying “Listen to me,” to ensure they stop paying attention from the beginning.
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Looks like someone’s thrown Yoda through a window.
[kid watching an episode of The Flintstones for the first time]
“They made a show based on vitamins? This is dumb.”
Make sure to make eye contact with the hottest person in the room as you stuff a burrito into your mouth
Today, I saw a sign outside a dental office that said “We do our business in your mouth” and I haven’t stopped laughing.
*hears giggling kids
7: Then baby cows can just walk into my house!
Me (in the bathroom): WHAAAAT?
Just be thankful you aren’t quarantined with a roommate who has decided to work her way through the Taylor swift songbook on guitar, which she can barely play (me it’s me I’m doing that)
GIRL: daddy look it’s a killer whale
WHALE: for your information I’m only a suspect at this point
I donate blood 5 times a year just so I’m less and less related to some of my relatives.
I feel bad for all the non-violent clowns who live in sewers
contractor: I finished installing the secret entrances, death ray, and crocodile moat. all that is left is the payment
super villain: no
contractor: right, should’ve seen that coming
December birthdays be like…
My new yoga instructor’s name is Matt so I called him “Yoga Matt” & he said “yeah, don’t ever call me that”. Yoga Matt isn’t very zen.
God is watching everything. God is sitting on side upper birth.
I like to walk through the mall and hand out bags of Cheetos to all the kids I see wearing white clothes
I’m aging like a fine banana
[interview to be an undercover agent]
Chief: Janine, can you send in the next applicant
Janine: yes sir; next!
[the large potted plant in the corner of the room stands up]
Chief: Janine, can you send home the remaining applicants
Just sayin’ cowboys are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between cows and boys.
*logs on Facebook
IT’S YOUR OLD HIGH SCHOOL BULLY’S BIRTHDAY TODAY!
*logs off
WAIT COME BACK!
YOU HAVEN’T HEARD ABOUT YOUR EX’S ENGAGEMENT!
cats can’t give you covid but they would if they could
Your life is awesome until your oversized clothes start fitting.
I just spilled my protein shake all over myself and all I’m saying is a donut would never do this to me.
Very normal stages of anger:
1) kinda upset
2) crying
3) imagining yourself singing a revengeful song to them at a talent show
if you do what you love you’ll never work a day in your life because you’ll be unemployed
I refuse to eat pound cake or go to yard sales. It’s metric system or gtfo.
pilot: we’re about to crash
passengers: OMG
pilot: this wedding
passengers: phew
pilot: cause we’re gonna run into this church
[My son’s 1st day of school]
ME [in tears] it’s just gone way too fast
TEACHER: Even so, you have to take him home now
According to my bank account, I’m Rich!
Rich Anderson, the name of the man whose identity I stole.
[Traffic stop]
Cop: I’m gonna need to see your ID.
George Washington: *hands him a one dollar bill*
Cop: Bribery huh!? Ok, outta the car!
Hub: Let’s go see a movie
Me: Ok. How bout this one? *points*
H: Why do we have to see a movie with subtitles? I didn’t do anything wrong.
“I’ve made my point.” -good worker at a pencil factory