“I don’t know a lot about any of this but I probably should still weigh in with my opinion”
– the voice that I fight in my head
You Might Also Like
Stop staring lady, I was meowing at your cat.
14: ‘What’s an inheritance?’
Me: ‘Nothing you need to worry about, really.’
*acts sassy*
*flips hair*
*walks into a wall*
My hobby is removing unnecessary apostrophes from business signs in the dead of night
Doctor: ok, just need a urine sample & we’re done.
Me handing him my boxers: I’m in a rush. Just wring these out.
Always 🥴
It is the year 2047. After making a movie based on every single one of its theme park rides, Disney is forced to make a movie about the line for the Disney World bathroom.
(way too loud, trying not to get murdered) Wow, the Boeing corporation’s manufacturing quality is top notch, outclassed only by their generous workplace policies
I hand-wrote a letter today and now I have the measles and a wood-stove.
Oh, calm down… One Cobra bite and you’re falling to pieces!
Thanks for sending me all 67 of your kid’s Halloween photos. I’ll cherish them for …*DELETE*
Ten bucks says next year Planet Fitness uses the slogan “Flatten Your Curve.”
“What should we call the big finger?”
“‘Thumb’ seems as good as any.”
“Impressive. What about this smallest one?”
“PINKY!”
“………….”
Me at 15: who wouldn’t want immortality, I want to live forever!
Me at 35: oh
Was going to rob a bank today, but the pen was chained to the desk.
My boss: Why are you hiding behind the potted fern?
Me:
My boss: don’t be silly. Come out so we can complete your appraisal.
Me *makes nervous fern noises*
I sometimes double click on a trojan horse to see if there are soldiers hiding inside.
Him: Babe, I put the leftovers in a container.
Her: Is that what you’re calling your stomach now?
I understand division over pineapple on pizza, or whether it’s pronounced gif or gif, I’ve even taken sides myself, but people fighting over the spelling of woah or whoa take a step back now before this madness destroys us all*
*It’s whoa, by the way
“Axe” is not going to help you get girls, unless you spray it in their eyes then quickly chloroform them.
Bartender: “I see your glass is empty. Would you like another?”
Me: “What on earth would I do with 2 empty glasses?”
Boss [coming into my cubicle]: Hey can you-
Me:
Boss: Um.
Me [in bathrobe and slippers, smoking a cigar while playing guitar]: I really thought I’d be the only one here.
To tree roots that look remarkably like snakes:
You’re not funny.
Conversation between my mom and my 12 year old brother. I am in tears.
Me: Your generation sits around with their noses in their phones
Niece: Your generation made the guys who wrote the Macarena rich
Me: …
Watching my kids inspecting the French dips I made like I’m about to defend a dissertation
Them: and what is this?
Me: that is ..(checks notes).. Provolone cheese, ma’am
Them: hmmmmm….
Cheetos are like baby carrots that you can eat.
I have a cut on my leg Doc
“Yeah that legs gotta go sir”
But its a tiny cut
“Sorry, I cant save it” *sharks fake doctor outfit falls off*
[planning a heist]
Guy: it’s gonna be an inside job
Me, hates going outside: nice
My friend had her baby at home and I can’t even give myself a manicure at home