Is there an app that makes the flatline noise? Bet I could freak out some nurses.
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To err is human; to Air Bud is dog!!!!
Him: which of these two fanny packs is better?
Me:
Me:
Him: you can say neither
Me: oh thank goodness!
The pig jumped into bed with my 6-year-old all by herself.
It was super cute.
Then the pig threw up all over her.
Considerably less cute.
My kind of messy bun is cinnamon.
Optimus Prime implies the existence of Optimus Fresh, and for a nominal monthly fee, Optimus Audible.
ME: i’ve been feeling sick lately
FRIEND: maybe you should see a doctor
ME: *google image searches “doctor”* haha you’re right, they look awesome
Live by one rule: trust no one but yourself. But at the same time, can I borrow your car tomorrow night?
Wife: That was so nice of you to chop wood for all the neighbors
Me: RANDOM AXE OF KINDNESS
Why is Gorgeous the only thing you can be Drop-Dead. I wanna be drop-dead silly. Let my enemies crumble before me, overcome by the depths of my whimsy
AH WONDERFUL I SEE THE JOB APPLICATION HAS CHOSEN TO IGNORE MY BEAUTIFULLY CRAFTED RESUME IN LIEU OF MAKING ME ENTER MY INFORMATION LINE BY LINE ONTO SOME SORT OF WEBSITE FROM THE 1800S
Hypothetically, when is the right time to tell your divorce attorney that you’ve never been married and you love spending time with him?
Me: what’s your favorite number
Golfer: 4
Hypochondriac: 6
Guy From Memphis: 10
Cannibal: 18
Ballerina: 22
Bargain Hunter: 241
Whenever I want my son to visit I tell him our dog keeps going in his old bedroom trying to find him.
I couldn’t find my car scraper this morning so I had to use a store discount card to scrape the ice. Didn’t really work tho, only got 20% off.
[Speed Date]
Me: Hi. Could you show me on this Venn Diagram where alcohol & donuts overlap in your daily life?
Him: I..
Me: Too slow. NEXT!
Sleep is just something clowns made up so they can eat you.
No one in movies or TV shows ever properly freak out when they see someone eat sauce off a wooden spoon then put the spoon that they just licked back in the sauce.
*packing suitcases*
kid 1: stuffed animals, toy cellphone in side pocket
kid 2: stick
Hey, cooking directions on the sides of packages: Nobody knows the wattage of their microwave.
Things that go bump in the night except it’s me sneaking back in from the pub.
For Lent, I am giving up “JESUS”.
PS: To be clear, I won’t use his name as my first attempt on Wordle for the next 40 days.
i’ll never forget what my Grandad said to me just before he kicked the bucket
“Grandson…
how far do you think I can kick this bucket?”
Cop: You look pretty beat up, how many attackers did you say there was?
[flashback to me showing the cat my nunchuk skills]
Me: Easily 10
“Why don’t you want to have kids?”
*motions hysterically in every direction*
I’m at the age where my mind firmly believes I’m 29, my humor suggests I’m 12 and my body possibly died in the Civil War.
Step aside coffee, this is a job for alcohol.
Please be more careful with your tacos. I just found them in my mouth.
When I was younger, I thought a taxidermist was a dermatologist that arrived in taxis.
guy in a zombie apocalypse who just keeps saying “the zombies are more afraid of us than we are of them” and stands up tall and waves his arms around and yells at them and he turns out to be 100% right
My husband and I have never had couples counseling, but we once had a third person help guide us out of a tight parking spot. Saved our marriage.