When asked my theory on Amelia Earhart’s disappearance I said “maybe she went black” and now I don’t have to help with homework
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One day I’m gonna go to work without my glasses and they’re gonna be like, “Who’s that hottie?” and I’m gonna be like, “WHO IS SAYING THAT?”
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Husband: No stubble? Did you finally shave your legs?
Me: No. I grew it out so you’d stop complaining about the stubble.
Friend 1:
I swam with the dolphins in Mexico.Friend 2:
I swam with a sea lion in Jamaica.Me:
I swam with a fat guy in Reno.
*detective bangs on table*
I SAID GIVE ME A NAME!
“Uh, Aaron?”
Aaron… I like it!
*’Aaron’ leaves interrogation room, ready for a new life*
We weren’t traipsing, Mom. We are rapscallions. We galavant.
Did we ever get rid of that ozone layer or are we still worried about that
Came home and my cat was on the porch cuddling with a baby skunk. When the skunk saw me he took off like I had caught him in bed with my girlfriend.
I keep chalk in my back pocket at all times in case any of you motherfuckers are foolish enough to challenge me at Hopscotch.
CASHIER: Would you like a plastic bag you worthless, turtle killing garbage person?
I have a time phobia.
*looks at watch, panics
*looks at clock, panics
*looks at thyme “This I can handle.”
I wish my husband was as concerned with “preheating” me as he is with the oven…
3am
Brain: What if all cats are named Meow and all dogs are named Woof and they’re just correcting us when we call them by the names we gave them?
if you want to follow me on mastodon it’s really easy, my gimble is chingus. Just type in bibbo into your gumblebox and then when the window pops up select your garpos and dangles and you’re halfway there. It only takes a second.
Waking up with morning wood is one thing, but waking with Elijah Wood is just creepy.
I calmed down once I stared into his beautiful eyes.
If a girl has magnetic personality and still She can’t attract the desired boy.
Then that means the boy has iron deficiency.
So Canada gets an entire day? What about Narnia or Middle-Earth or Westeros or other made up places #CanadaDay
JOB INTERVIEWER: Do you know short-hand?
ME: Do I know what, fat-face?
Schrödinger’s Mom: You have to feed the cat
Schrödinger: Or do I?
Jesus Christ, google you’re gonna get him killed
With so many sequels, I’m beginning to think maybe the missions ARE possible after all…
The easiest way to find out if a movie is on Netflix is to simply ask yourself “do I want to see it?” If you do, it’s not on Netflix.
Blinded by the light is really just a song about turning the bathroom light on in the middle of the night.
Establish dominance by jumping into a cake.
just went to my first ever LA kids birthday party and two of them were named Monserrat and Wolf
I make a mortgage-sized payment monthly to send my kid to preschool. Today, I have to pick him up early so they can close to then reopen an hour later for an art show where I can pay a second time to buy art my kid made while I paid for him to be there.
Sometimes I want to be really rich but I also know I’d buy a beluga whale as a pet and get in the bad habit of hiring hit men too often so maybe it’s better.
Me: this pot sucks
Wife: *surrendering any remaining hope of future joy* no the other kind of pot roast
My key takeaway from Ghostbusters was that once you’re dead, your Miranda rights don’t count for shit.
[almost at the moon]
Buzz: *explosive diarrhea* DID YOU PUT SOMETHING IN THE TANG, ARMSTRONG?
Neil: *steals speech out of his pocket* nope