I’ll put a comma, after a comma, even if it doesn’t need a comma, to completely, drive you, insane.
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Her idea of extending an olive branch was to sharpen one end first, then extend it REALLY hard.
Out of embarrassment, I just told a train passenger I’m crying cos my bf dumped me. Real reason is I’m listening to the Lion King soundtrack
My son is finally growing the thick moustache he always wanted on my face.
Husband: I emptied the dishwasher.
Me: Great work, honey! Maybe you could try it again when it’s clean.
BEACH BOYS: 🎶 Wouldn’t it be nice if we were older?
M. NIGHT SHYAMALAN: 🤔
Why do people leave mattresses on the side of the road? Do they really think someone will take it? Do you think I should wash it first?
Cop: we have you surrounded come out with your hands up
Stick Figure: lol
Cop: wait are you surrendering or laughing right now
Listen here weather report, don’t tell me 1” hail.
You tell me Oreo size hail so I can understand.
Just donated blood. I hope whoever gets it likes wine.
[Wheel of Fortune]
Puzzle: _’_ L_ _E T_ S_ L_E T_E _ _ _ _LE
Contestant: “I’d like to solve the puzzle.”
Pat Sajak: “Okay.”
Contestant: “I’d like to solve the puzzle.”
Pat Sajak: “Okay.”
Child just ran by screaming WHERE’S THE PLUNGER GET TOWELS LOTS OF TOWELS so anyway how is your day going?
oh sorry i cant im busy that day
What is the difference between a girl and a pool table?
You have a shot with a pool table.
in scotland, it’s illegal to be drunk and in possession of a cow. i just want to know how many times this happened before the government had to put their foot down
My family keeps throwing sweaters in the laundry basket like we wash those.
tryna choke on gummy bears so my tombstone can read killed by a bear
😂😂😂
Financial Advisor: You should think about diversifying your assets.
Me: You mean like buying shorts that aren’t cargo?
Did you ever think about ten years ago you’d be saying.. “I really hope this is a chick I’m talking to”.
Why is “goodnight” one word, but “good morning” a lie?
On the bright side, every moment Bieber spends Tweeting is a moment he isn’t spending recording or performing music.
The absolute CHAOS of this onesie my mom sent us for the baby…
astronaut: houston come in
houston: this had better be important
astronaut: it’s urgent
houston: fine what
astronaut: [drinking soda out of the air] rootbeer float
I like to do a task by worrying about it for three weeks and then finally dedicating 12 solid minutes to completing it.
me: do you have anything for dry skin?
pharmacist: aloe.
me: um hi. do you have anything for dry skin.
All this “Kaine is boring” talk is your reminder that nowadays Abraham Lincoln would have to know parkour or some shit
A man reading a thesaurus saunters into a tavern.
Love seeing my kids’ faces when we go for ice cream and I order a single scoop of butter pecan. They’re like dang, dad even makes ice cream lame.
[at the vets]
He’s really bad. He can’t fly.
“He’s a cat though.”
[very sarcastically] oh I’m sorry is this the vets or the excuses clinic?
I was thrilled when this beautiful girl came up and asked me for a date.
Then I realised it was just because I work at a dried fruit stand.