Today’s spelling lesson:
On the lam: escaping from policeOn the lamb: escaping from life’s woes with a delightful sheep ride
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Woah! I can move stuff with my mind. Like, my legs.
A rusted van sits under a bridge.
Rats gnaw on moldy Scooby Snacks.
Shaggy takes a hit off the pipe.“WHY COULDN’T YOU LOVE ME VELMA?”
I was having sex with this woman for 10 minutes before I realized it was a man, and then for like 20 minutes after.
10 WARNING SIGNS THAT YOU’RE CURRENTLY READING A LIST
Exhausted Parent PSA-
The chance you could mistake a raw chicken sausage for a banana when making a smoothie is small, but not zero.
I’ve seen Terminator, and THERE WILL BE NO SMART APPLIANCES AT MY HOUSE
I’d be that girl in the movies that can’t successfully hide from the killer because my stomach growls.
I’m planning to save money on Christmas gifts this year by wrapping up all the toys my toddler dropped behind the couch.
I wonder how many people die each year as a result of lifeguards running in slow motion.
If I had $5 (inflation) every single time an older woman started the “I’m his wife, we’ve been married x amount of years, you can talk to me” fight, I’d have enough money to buy this app and give it it’s old name back.
I have Tourettes syndrome, but instead of swearing, I yell out movies that Nicolas Cage has been in
*falls down several flights of stairs, breaking multiple bones*
ME: *into headset mic* I’m in
This is the best one I’ve seen
after you pay a bill, the website is like “would you like to make another payment?” and it’s like? um no dude. no, i don’t want to do that. like sorry do you think we’re buddies? “hang out awhile, maybe pay another bill” no dude. we do NOT have that kinda relationship man sorry
Day 302 of my husband and I both working from home:
Me: *tapes note to microwave reminding coworkers to PLEASE CLEAN UP SPILLS THIS MICROWAVE IS FOR THE WHOLE OFFICE
“We’re promoting you to Anchor”
Reporters: 🙂
Sailors: 🙁
I passed a sofa on the expressway on my way to work….. I’ve never wanted to pull over so bad in my entire life
I have days when wearing a hat is the only use I have made of my head.
GREAT WHITE SHARK: *Jumps out of water & eats seal*
JUST OK WHITE SHARK: *Frantically waves flipper to try & get seaweed off but can’t*
Twitter: You already tweeted that.
Me: I ONLY HAVE TWELVE JOKES.
That’s me in the corner, that’s me in the spotlight, spreading goat cheese on a bagel
Hearing those four little words always makes my day.
“Your order just shipped.”
went to church and prayed for Jesus to turn water into gas so now we wait …
There is no “I” in the word “team,” but I don’t think that means anything about team work. That’s just how it’s spelled.
One of the best compliments I ever received was when my brother told me that Mystery Science Theater 3000 was “basically like watching a movie with you.”
[concert]
Lead Singer: HOW’S EVERYBODY DOING TONIGHT
Crowd: WOOOO
Me (from the back row): fine how are you
Lead Singer: I’M GOOD THANKS FOR ASKING
Just because I’m gay, doesn’t mean I don’t know how to please a woman.
You buy them a dress with pockets.
Him: You okay?
Me eating a tube of cookie dough like a banana: Yeah, why?
this brownie is so moist
“ugh i hate that word”
okay [opens thesaurus] this brownie is totally soaked. i love to eat damp and soggy brownies