Sometimes when I’m having a particularly stressful day, I take a pregnancy test to remind myself that at least one thing in my life is still going as planned.
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WIFE: You overreact to everything!
ME: [phones police]
“got milk?” buddy I don’t even have self esteem
[trying out my magic tricks for the first time]
*sawing person in half*
Funeral director: *wrestling me away from casket*
Fellas, stop putting rings in our food and let us eat our Crème Brûlée in peace.
My wife is the most beautiful, intelligent person standing right behind me reading my Twitter feed.
“have you heard about the Nu covid variant”
“no, what’s it called?”
“the Nu variant”
“yeah what’s it called”
“no, it’s literally spelled N U, Nu”
“haha wow, who named it that?”
“yes”
Bought the cheapest possible Mercedes yesterday ’cause I needed to use the bathroom at the dealership.
(meeting the queen without knowing who she is)
Well, aren’t you a fancy little lady! Is today your birthday?
Me: I’ll take Glinda the Good Witch because I love shoes, Ursula the Sea Witch so she could silence annoying people for me, and Maleficent because I love to sleep.
Genie: But that’s not…eh, never mind, your witches are granted.
Science memes
Him: you know, a baby deliverer…
Me: you mean my OBGYN or the stork?
16: They asked me for my email.
12: Email? That’s like something only moms use!
16: Ewww, I know!
*how my kids take a dig at me without even trying to take a dig at me
When the chicken shop gives you chicken instead of change?
I guess it’s legal tender.
[Excavation for dino bones]
DIGGER: Sir, we found something BIG!
DOG PALEONTOLOGIST: *tail wags* Ok go for break [salivating] I’ll finish up
If you text your boss that you can’t come in and include the poop emoji, he doesn’t ask any questions.
[1890s guy] I gotta stop looking at my candle before bed
Who are the people getting up and scanning QR codes off the TV??
Cop: license and registration.
Me: I don’t carry my drivers license so I don’t lose it.
Cop: where is it?
Me: I have absolutely no idea.
“Is that on Netflix?” I ask, with no intention of ever watching it
“What are these markings on the map?”
“They’re hill areas”
“Yeah they’re very funny, but what do they mean?”
[campfire]
And that’s when he realized… HE FORGOT TO ENABLE WIFI AND WATCHED 5 SEASONS USING HIS DATA PLAN
[everyone screams in terror]
Our dishwasher doesn’t know what hit it.
I saw an ad for a tree removal service with the line “We’ll come to you!” Great idea! So much more convenient than dragging my yard across town.
When I was 23, I was doing improv and was afraid to let people in the scene know I was gay. Now, I’m happy to be gay and ashamed to let people know I used to do improv.
*Welsh Cities lining up outside Starbucks; the barista who writes the names on the cups starts hyperventilating and looking for an exit*
Power went out in the house so the family and I sat on the couch and talked.
We learned we actually have stuff in common. Like, we all hate that the power was out.
Just when you think your teen is actually invested in what you’re saying and engaged, you realize there’s a mirror behind you and she’s just practicing her TikTok faces.
Telling my daughter garlic is good for you. Good immune system and keeps pests away.Ticks, mosquitos, vampires… men.
90 people have swine flu and everybody wants to wear a mask. A million people have AIDS and nobody wants to wear a condom.
for all #parents out there