Sick of dudes not calling you after sex? Do it with me. I’ll call you thirty times a day. Even if you change your number, I will find you.
You Might Also Like
i think it鈥檚 time i give cats another chance. if any cats are reading this i just wanna say sorry for wanting to send u all to the military (even tho i still think it鈥檚 a good idea since u all have 9 lives) and i鈥檓 willing to start over if u are
when ur hate is strong but your bladder’s weak
When I was a child, 49 seemed like such an ancient, faraway age, where people would probably totter about aimlessly and confused, forgetting everything, with parts of their decrepit body falling off. Now I actually am 49, I realise I was absolutely spot on.
I fall and drown in the lake. They pull out my body. “It’s so bloated and grotesque” says one. “He only fell in a minute ago” says another
to the spirits in my walls: going to the store be right back.
Saturday
[pretending to be on the phone as guy with clipboard approaches me]
“What do you mean I already do too much for charity?”
i dont understand how humans can land on the moon but also sometimes a snake gets loose from the zoo like are we good at things or not
I think costco should be the next president of the united states
Sometimes if you say “Wow, you’re tall!” to a tall person they realize they’re tall for the first time and thank you with cash
I鈥檝e broken all my New Year鈥檚 Resolutions so now I鈥檓 moving on to laws of nature.
When I say something occurred under mysterious circumstances it means I forgot the circumstances.
Saw the eye doctor, and that’s 90% of the vision test right there.
this is the kind of chaos i demand from a pharmacy
You people that are getting laid regularly either need to keep that stuff to yourselves or be more descriptive.
every time i take my cat for a walk on the beach i imagine how mind blowing it is for him to be in a giant litter box
me: a carrot is a crop
friend: yes
me: so *technically* Carrot Top is a crop top
former friend: i suppose
Every one hides their keys under a rock, it’s way too obvious folks.
Instead, try hiding it somewhere no one will ever expect, like in an active wasp nest or in your dogs mouth.
馃
Starting my own Mafia! Looking for:
1. About 5-6 oafish goons
2. A “supply guy”
3. Level 4 Mage
4. ????
5. Someone named Tony
If I was a vulture, I would make way better use of it than most vultures now. For starters, I would do a lot of ominous circling over weddings.
I just tried a keto friendly cereal. I think tomorrow I鈥檒l just eat my cabinets.
FRIEND WHO JUST GOT BIT BY A VERY VENOMOUS SPIDER: Hurry, the antidote!
ME: This reminds me of a time
FRIEND: No, not an anecdote! *Dies*
I mean, COME ON! It鈥檚 not like I MEANT to serve sangria instead of kool aid to my Sunday School class but at least those animal crackers were straight up legit!
2nd Rule of Parent Club:
If your kid suddenly says “I think I’d better wash my hands”, don’t question them. I repeat, DO NOT QUESTION THEM.
WIFE: Shouldn’t you be at work?
ME: I took care of it.
BOSS: [to the cardboard cutout of Shaq with my face glued on it]
Nice work today.
I got high and hid snacks from myself, this is the worst scavenger hunt ever
My boss: Could you come in to work on Saturday this week? I know you enjoy your weekends, but I need you here.
Me: Yeah, no problem. I’ll probably be late though as the public transport is bad on weekends
Boss: Okay, when do you think you’ll get here then?
Me: Monday
Dieting is when you eat foods that make you sad and leave feeling hungry still.
Huge sale this weekend, we have too many mountain lions, please come buy a mountain lion, this was a horrible business plan, one guy got ate