new career option?
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Me: Can I use it for my socials?
Mugshot Photographer: No.
The free hotel blow-dryer should be easier to get off the bathroom wall.
me (smirking as i pick a card): what next
magician: now you close your eyes
me (rolling my eyes to a friend): lol okay whatever
magician: (kicks me in the face) stop ruining fun things because you’re afraid you won’t be the center of attention
[my friends all applaud]
7yo: *eating granola bar* What are you doing?
Me: Cooking dinner.
7yo: *eating 2nd granola bar* Why?
Me: I have no idea.
[first day as a bartender]
Customer: gimme a scotch on the rocks
Me [scrunching towel into glass]: I know lemonade, I can do lemonade
A shark could swim faster than me, but I could probably run faster than a shark. So in a triathlon, it would all come down to who is the better cyclist.
For a brief moment I confusedly ask myself, “Am I Hannah?”
Got a new stove today and then ordered a pizza because I don’t want to ruin it by getting it dirty or anything.
My family arranging my open casket funeral:
Here’s a picture of how we all remember her. Can you make her look like this?Mortician: This is a printout of the eye roll emoji.
I don’t have many steadfast rules in life, but one of them is to always decline grated cheese from anyone with band-aids on their knuckles
awkardly looking around the applebees bar & grill for my tidner date whose profile picture is waluigi
If I was Snow White you’d never be able to kill me with an apple…you’d have to poison an eclair or something…
Parents yelling “I’m not going to ask you again” at their kids, will definitely be asking them again
[At the gym]
My body: WTF
Me: I know
Body: I thought we were done with this bullshit?
Me: No, this is how it is from now on.
Body: *charley horse*
Me: Well played, bitch… well played
[ spelling bee ]
judge: your word is feeling
me: can you use it in a sentence
judge: how are you feeling
me: ok
judge: wrong
Y’all are gonna lose your minds when Donald Trump eats a Snickers and turns into Bernie Sanders.
which is the Beyonce song where it’s like we’re independent but also you should marry us but like we’re super-strong but also pay our bills
Sorry I declined your Facebook friend request, but I can’t have those sideburns popping up in my news feed unannounced.
Me: Is there something wrong with your pasta?
4-year-old: It’s not a doughnut.
Monday?
No. Next question.
HER: can I take a quick peek at your privates?
SERGEANT: *looks into barracks* ok but most of them are asleep
*i put two straws in my drink*
gf: awhh 🙂
me: hell ya double barrel
*i use both straws*
in the movies everyone can hotwire a car in ten seconds meanwhile it takes me twenty minutes to find the gas flap release on a rental
My wife walked in on me sobbing uncontrollably while listening to an old song.
“Meat Loaf?” she asked.
“Yes,” I replied, between the tears. “Can we have baked potatoes too?”
My daughter asked me what it’s like to be a parent, so I woke her up from a nap just to say, “hi.”
If I’m facing away from you during sex, assume I’m quietly enjoying a snack.
Me: *Yanks off tear away pants*
Guy at next urinal: holy shit
I went out for a walk and the neighbor kids asked if I could play. Later losers, I have friends now.
why do we park in the driveway but fetishize an impossible and ridiculous masculinity on the hemingway
[meeting the parents]
Do you have one in blonde?