maybe there is no I in team but I see there is a goat in go team, so that’s fun
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Buys a cheap box of wine and parties like it’s $19.99
HIM: Did you steal my truth serum?
ME: You bet I did.
It’s not the amount of followers young GRASSHOPPER.
It’s the quality of followers.
It’s wet right there and I don’t know why
– a one sentence horror story
I fought the law* and the law* won.
*duvet cover
Are Millennials Destroying My Wife’s Favorite Lamp I Don’t Know How They Got in Either but I Definitely Wasn’t Practicing Karate in the Living Room so We Know It Wasn’t That
I would never drink and drive. I did drink and fight a swan once. Would not recommend.
*brings a knife to a knife fight, because I read the instructions*
We’d been planning on using the $1.3 million from Jeopardy to buy a house, but now I’m thinking maybe I’ll just hold on to it for a year or two and then use it to buy Twitter
Apparently trying to edit the family cookbook to include ‘minced feelings’ at the end of every recipe’s ingredients list is “not okay” and I need to “seriously cut it out”.
911: What’s you’re emergency?
ME: You mean “your”?
911: OK. So..?
ME: Someone’s murdering me
911: You mean “murdered”
ME:..
911: [dial tone]
Cats don’t understand movie/TV production, so they must just think some WILD shit happens outside of one window in our house.
A fun game is to put on an orange vest and direct traffic.
[after lover’s spat]
ME: Honey. Lamb chop. Sweetie cakes.
HER: You’re just naming foods.
ME: Pumpkin. Muffin.
HER: …
ME: Zucchini bread.
Instead of chasing after Taylor Swift, I’m just going to wait until she breaks up with everyone else so I’m all that’s left.
My boyfriend calls me “babe” because “pig in the city” is such a mouthful to say.
Tom Cruise does all of his own stunts because death is the only way out of the Church of Scientology.
added child seasoning to the list instead of chili, so that changes up next week’s menu.
Been doing a lot of soul searching as of late and still have not found that darn thing.
My 13 year old doesn’t speak when she picks up the phone. She just listens and hangs up. I think she’s going to be a hitman someday.
(Me on trampoline outside your bedroom window)
WhyDid
You
Unfollow
Me?
her: You look really good.
me: Thanks! That’s a really cool pen. Where did you get it?
[hospital]
“I’m afraid it’s bad news. Your husband will never walk again”
“Oh God, he’s paralysed?”
“No, someone’s bought him rollerblades”
My financial situation is so bad, I’M being sponsored by a child in Africa
Whoever stacked these books is both evil and hilarious.
I went to the doctor yesterday. Because “was attacked by geese” is on my medical record, first question every time from both nurse & doctor is, “Any more trouble with geese?”
New hobby: Swap text for sponsored ads
[giving best man speech] can I say something without everybody getting mad
Billy Joel: You may be right, I may be crazy! But it just may be a lunatic you’re looking for…
Billy Joel’s 3 ex-wives: Yeah. Nope.
[at 25yr class reunion]
Me: You haven’t changed at all!
Her: Hahaha, thanks
Me: *leans in* That wasn’t a compliment, Diane