Me: “Can I leave work half an hour early?”
Boss: “Only if you make up the time.”
“OK. It’s 35 past 50.”
Boss: “Just go..”
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If you are really good at comedy you can make $250 writing for a multimillionaire.
“pediatric patients say the darnedest things”
doctor: we need to draw some blood
4: [taking out crayons] ok but I get the red one
Accidentally called my therapist mom again. He was not pleased.
THE 3 PEOPLE IN EVERY CHIPOTLE LINE:
– guy ordering for his whole office who takes forever
– white lady who’s never been there before and doesn’t like spicy food. ends up getting a bowl of white rice and chicken
– guy who leans over sneeze-guard and is shouty about his order
Pretty arrogant of Red Delicious Apples to put “delicious” in their name. Like calm down. You’re still just an apple. You ain’t no prize.
This looks like a job for Superman!
-unemployed Superman reading the classifieds
Cannibals are so full of themselves and other people
If I could steal powers like Rogue from X-Men, I’d use it on someone who can fold the fitted sheets.
*Adorns new baby with:
Infinity scarf
Leggings
Uggs
Bottle of pumpkin spice latte*They said if her basic needs were met she wouldn’t cry!
Drop a house on me, so I know it’s real
The label on the pack of the supplements I just bought says “Keep in a dark place”, so I stored it in my memories.
They make SAVORY soup now? No more dessert soup for me!
[fumbling with my phone as I’m being murdered]
ME: *takes picture of my home screen*
For $60, I will lift the curse. For $75, I will lift the curse & also get bagels.
This whiskey tastes like my neighbours will be listening to Metallica.
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say “hey, that one over there is shaped like an alcoholic”.
“fool me once, shame on u. fool me once, shame on u. fool me once, shame on u” – a goldfish 🙁
I’m Agnostic, which means I’m an Atheist with commitment issues.
If you put Mattel dolls in a line they become a Barbie queue.
We put a lot of faith in teenagers who control the rollercoasters at amusement parks. A bad breakup between Tommy and “Princess” Cameron could be the difference between fun and “I don’t think we’re supposed to go around 17 times in a row.”
[Spelling bee]
Judge: “Your word is unhelpful.”
Kid: “Can you use it in a sentence please?”
Judge: “Nope.”
When you decorate your whole house for Christmas, what you’re really saying is “I’m not going to dust for at least a month.”
I hate to say I’m better than u but… I can name all the Ninja Turtles & tell u their weapon & bandana color
How do you pay an electrician? You wire them the money.
Each year over 40, one more part of your body becomes audible.
I’m going on a shiny hair journey. It doesn’t seem as if my hair is going with me, but I’m going.
Me: we need to pick 9 up from school
4: we’ve picked him up a lot lately, let’s just leave him there today
“Where do you get your ideas?” he said.
“Same place you do,” she said.
“No, seriously-”
“And I go early so I can take all the best ones.”
Weekend #HayaoMiyazaki