My 4yo asked if the tooth fairy pulls your teeth out in your sleep, and I deserve an award for taking the mature not-funny path of telling her “no”.
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Child me at birthday party: gimme gimme ice cream
Adult me at birthday party: gimme gimme cake
A dead goose is called a ghoost
*Buys world map*
*Pins map to wall*
*Promises to visit wherever dart lands*
*Throws dart at fridge*
[Guy sees octopus doing squats at the gym on 4 legs]
“You doing legs today?”Octopus: Yeah my fourarms hurt.
Him: Why do you carry a knife?
Me: A sword is harder to hide.
I may be middle-aged but I still have the student loan debt of a much younger man.
So uh… what level of jumaji are we on today?
I empty the recycling bin on my computer like someone’s actually gonna come along and say “ew gross this bin needs emptied”
[first date]
Me: I’m a very reserved person
Me: [5 minutes later] if aliens abducted me no one would miss me
<gets on elevator >
Pushes all the buttons
Hugs everyone
Prays out loud that we’re not going to die
Gets off at the 2nd floor
Laughs
judge: do u swear to tell the truth
me: dare
judge: what
me: i choose dare instead
judge: [whispering to bailiff] is that legal
Remembering the time the hubs and I bought a bunch of candy for Halloween but no kids came to our door so we just drove around town begging kids to come get it from our car….Probably coulda used another brainstorming sesh on that one
Jesus take the wheel. No that’s a book. A penny. A rock. DAMMIT JESUS DIDN’T YOU TAKE THAT ENGLISH AS A SECOND LANGUAGE CLASS I RECOMMENDED
The most I’ve ever paid for sex was ‘marriage.’
Maybe the wolf from The Neverending Story still has nightmares about me, too.
Today’s horoscope.
●Sagittarius: You’re about to have issues with an Aries.●Aries : Sagittarius think you suck.
People think getting married young is a bad idea.
I got married young and everything worked out.…not with her, obviously, but still.
New Year’s Eve would be so much better if it happened around sevenish.
I like to think I’m smart
Then I miss the chair I just moved into place and end up sitting on the ground
Me [eating an entire rotisserie chicken]: they say never go shopping hungry
My GF: we’re going to Lowe’s
I love how you guys shit on Lohan, Hilton and Kardashian. If one of those bitches said a word to you fools, your balls would explode.
8 yr old: as you can see in my business plan, it’s a macaroni & cheese/dinosaur chicken nugget fusion food truck called Tyrannosaurus MAC.
Bank loan officer: *hands kid trunk full of money, turns in 2 week notice*
Can you say your strengths?
“Your strengths”
No like what are they
“My legs maybe”
No, like for work
“Oh lol sorry, idk prob communication”
I always set two wake up alarms, one for the person I want to be and one for the person I am
“Awwww, that is so sweet! I think you’re outstanding too!”
me, to the collection agency
My mom is going through home reorganizing and to avoid confrontational conflict, my dad is leavings notes voicing his opinion
I’m smarter than I look. I was gonna say -more intelligenter- but wasn’t sure how to spell it so…
My wife is so married that she even stopped blowing out the candles on her birthday cake cause she doesn’t want me gettin’ any ideas.
Bakers who don’t wear underwear are going commandough
Can I get a refund on my kid? This one smiles and makes direct eye contact while she does exactly what I told her NOT to do.