[making out]
ME: *grabs a blindfold from the nightstand*
GIRLFRIEND: omg really?
ME: *blindfolding the dog at the end of the bed* really.
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if ur dad didn’t want to be more than friends then why did he get me that delicious glass of water
What’s the new etiquette rule: am I supposed to wait until everyone is done photographing their meals before I start eating mine?
in a senior moment, i forgot the word for bologna, so I said, “you know…ummm…hotdog pancakes!”
*sees cute boy checking me out*
me: our horde of children will have his eyes and my low standards
Since he knows me best, I’m adding my bartender as a LinkedIn reference.
8-year-old: The snow is so pretty.
Me: Yeah, but it makes the roads slick.
8: Why are pretty things always dangerous?
Me: Ask your mom.
9yo: Can I have McDonald’s for supper?
Me: Let me think about it
9yo: *gives me a hug*
9yo: Did that help?
Commercial for Twitter:
“Are you tired of arguing with people you actually know?”
#WorstWaysToStartALoveLetter
What started as a simple prostate exam, has blossomed into something special…
Texting drivers running over texting pedestrians: a modern day zombie apocalypse.
Being unemployed has given me even more time to make up songs to sing to my cat.
I don’t know if this is a bacon bit or a scab, but either way it’s delicious.
I think whoever invented horseradish knew exactly what those two things tasted like together
Vote for me and I promise to make fast food places put menus in a place where you can figure out what you want BEFORE you get to the window.
Have manufacturers of picket fences ever gone on strike? Because the irony would be awesome.
Take your time, I’ll wait.
Just saw two homeless men hitting each other with pieces of cardboard. Pillow fight!!
This buffalo chicken salad would be great if it weren’t for all this salad
Genie: What is your last wish
Me: Make me stop second-guessing myself
Genie: You sure that’s what you want?
Me: GAAAHHHH
“What’s up?” asked the guy with literally no sense of direction.
If you see me shaking in my boots that’s just how I dance ok?!
Even before the internet, I always had a little side chat going on in my head.
(Guy who has only seen Les Miserables and Aladdin watching a third movie) When does he steal the bread?
Had a nightmare I’d gone blond and woke up with yellow hair. Turns out if you dye in your dreams…
me: [pooping in a basket]
hot air balloon pilot: ok everyone out.
If you’re feeling jealous because someone you know is posting photos of an amazing vacation that you could never afford, remember this: Now is an excellent time to break into their home and steal stuff.
cat: i brought you this dead mouse
me: no thanks
cat: then please accept this barf
me: i will not
cat: am i displeasing you?
me: absolutely
cat: [eyes narrow] good
Used my dog’s shampoo and now my leg kicks while I’m brushing my hair
People who love to clean are just practicing to eliminate the evidence