You know you’re getting old when you have to have a drink to motivate you to go out & have a drink.
You Might Also Like
THE HORROR!
*splat
THE TRAGEDY!
*splat
IT’S AWFUL!
*splat
SO MUCH BLOOD!
*splat
WHY IS THIS HAPPENING?!
*splat-It’s raining men.
I will not rest until I’ve finished this nap!
My boyfriend just texted me, “We need to talk.” I think he’s going to propose!
*new parents*
Him: I’ve been sleeping with someone else.
Her: YOU’VE BEEN SLEEPING!!
Aww, you “only wish the best for your exes?” That’s cool, I lie about things too.
18 hasn’t had a haircut since the start of the pandemic, yesterday he let 20 cut his hair so he could donate it, today the post office lady asked what I was sending and I said a ponytail and not another word, anyway, I’m expecting to be on a list by end of day.
Her: What’s with the bunny?
Him: I’m teaching him to look into the mirror and say, “you talkin’ to me?”
Her: Why?
Him: Because Rabbit Deniro is a badass and an artist, Lauren.
The Water Board sent me a notice saying that my bill was a year old,
I obviously apologised for forgetting, and sent them a birthday card.
One day, the fridge will take revenge on me, every half hour opening the door to my room, staring at me for a few minutes & then walk away.
7YO changed her favorite princess to Anna and now my four year investment in Elsa is worth diddly-squat
I just saw where some woman got paid $40 for brushing her teeth on Only Fans.
I will be opening an Only Fans account forthwith and just argue with people all day. That’s my only skill. Except I do know how to brush my teeth so I guess I could do that too.
i would never put up a lost dog poster. im not letting the whole neighborhood know i fumbled
[at bar]
Gee, I’m so hungry I could eat a horse
*nearby horse slams down his whisky*
COME ON THEN TOUGH GUY
*horse throws the 1st punch*
No one asks you to hold their baby if you’re standing next to a wood chipper
“kill them with kindness” wrong. crow attack
🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛
I just gave my cat his lunch and insulin. He is now happily digesting and insulating.
Winter can cause potentially deadly situations like icy roads, hypothermia, and the much feared man cold.
[Batman Begins]
BRUCE WAYNE: *wearing the mask and practicing Batman voice in mirror* be honest what do you think
ALFRED: perhaps pants, Master Bruce
wife: What do you want for dinner?
me: What do you want me to want?
ME: Brad’s here
HUSBAND: Brad who needs space or Brad who’s paranoid about being murdered?
BRAD: OMG u 2 are smothering me
ME: I’ve no idea
Him: It’s been like 30 years, I think you should let it go.
Me: It could still happen.
Him:
Me: [to my John Taylor Duran Duran poster] He’s just jealous.
I blocked some guys and another guy said good job and I blocked him too.
Isn’t it annoying when someone sits next to you in an empty cinema? I didn’t think so but that’s what my new best friend is telling security
scenes of unspeakable carnage
B
How to lose a gf:
Gf: which of my friends would be the most fun to have a 3some with?
Me: *names two of them*
The movie Speed, except this bus driver apparently thinks we’ll blow up if he goes over 15 mph.
I miss the crypto guys with the laser eyes telling us to “have fun staying poor” — where did they all go?
starting to think my starbucks boyfriend is asking other girls their name too.
ME: i dropped acid almost every day for one year
my son Acid: is that why i can’t do math Dad