Tater Tots is a much better name than the original Crispy Potato Embryos.
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Interviewer: Tell me some of your strengths.
Me: …dare.
Get on your knees. Crawl towards me.
Look under the couch. I think I lost the remote under there.
Controversial opinion: no one should be cutting down a Christmas tree unless they intend on eating it.
greetings!
Much like Camilla, I too take a rest after defeating an entire royal family.
Friend: [showing baby photos]
Me: Ah yes, very baby
You can blame those “meddling kids” all you want. But let’s face it. Your entire plan was to dress up like a ghost.
I haven’t received any good news lately. I’m starting to think that 5th grade fortune teller at my nephew’s fall festival may have been a fraud.
[explaining why we got fat]
Friend: I had a baby
Me: I had a donut
[at job interview]
It says here that you are very hands on.
Yes, sir, I am.
Can you give me an example of this?
*gently caresses his face*
I don’t know who named them safety pins, but I’ve been stabbed by them more than any other pin.
Did you know you can gain 20 pounds in 2 months, but it takes 3257 days to lose 5 pounds?
The other guy on this cliff screaming at the sky just threw his wedding ring over which makes me feel less bad about losing my kite.
My kids just watched this video where two You Tubers stopped playing piano to fight each other with knives.
Me: Wow, you two really like comedy
Son: Who doesn’t like comedy?
Daughter: Who doesn’t like knives?
suspect: i ain’t talkin
cop: [sharpens knife] we got ways of making people talk [cuts a piece of cake]
suspect: can i have some
cop: cake is for talkers
I never pray harder than when I’m trying on a new pair of skinny jeans.
Imagine if you had a sunflower seed as big as a laptop. That is everyday life for a hamster.
Wanna know what’s cold? An airplane toilet seat at 30,000 feet.
Wanna know what’s colder? The stare of the person exiting the restroom after you.
Keanu Reeves watching a Keanu Reeves movie trying to figure out how he’s in two places at once.
Me: I think I’m gonna do a live scream tonight
Her, about to regret asking this question: don’t you mean live strea-
Me: *inhales*
Gift-Wrapping Club for Men Rules:
1) There is no such thing as too much tape
2) Forget everything you know about right angles
3) Gaps can be filled in with a different kind of paper or sticky notes
4) It’s okay to swear at scissors
When I think how often I drop things on my feet, my childhood dream of owning a Lightsaber may have been catastrophic
My husband gets into the holiday spirit by saying JESUS CHRIST over and over while putting up the Christmas tree.
if you’re ever waiting on a venmo from me, it’s not because i don’t have the money it’s because i can’t think of something funny to write as the caption
I finally feel peaceful and my mind is quiet.
Universe: Have her ex from 15 years ago contact her out of the blue and apologize for things she’d forgotten.
I can’t come up with a guitar pun, but I won’t fret about it.
I’ve never been sucker punched but I have had someone pick up the land line when I was trying to connect to dial up, so same
Stranger: ma’am do you need medical assistance?
Me: IT’S BEEN A WHILE SINCE I WORE HEELS OK?
i wanted som fried chicken but i didnt hav any chicken so i fried a egg and now im waitig for it to hatch
Wife: He keeps his friend close so he doesn’t lose him
Therapist: Not a bad thing
Me [yawns and a bee flies from my mouth]: Come back Alan