Learning just enough german words to yell so I can scare my neighbors
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Oh baby, were not going to need a ‘do not disturb’ sign. We’re going to need a ‘please don’t call the police were fine’ sign.
What the fire inspector sees when he opens my office closet.
Support bacteria
They’re the only culture some people have.
A long time ago, I learned the importance of just being myself. I think the world would be a better place if everyone would just be myself.
CONFIRMED: Pete Davidson is now dating Sims 1 Bella Goth 🫢🫢
Genie: you have three wishes
Me: I wish we never met
Genie: but then how would I grant…
Me: your problem
My 10yo rejected a pair of socks because she could “feel the polka dots” if you’re wondering what the girl from The Princess and the Pea is up to these days.
6: What are you making? It smells terrible!
Me: *literally just boiling water*
Twitter: “Where people are openly Gay and secretly Republican”
Why are ghosts and angels depicted as semi transparent is that what happens when you die they just turn your opacity down
I’m having stuff I ordered delivered to an Amazon hub for pickup, but I didn’t realize you have to give them your Amazon username. So, I’m going to have to walk in and say, “Picking up a package for Lamont Sanford’s Friend Rollo.”
CPR refresher class. We’re told, “If they’re not breathing, there’s no way you can make it worse.” Woman then trips; kicks dummy’s head off.
Moan louder every time the cashier scans one of your items.
My 5yo tries to get out of sharing her food with me by saying there’s gluten in it.
I’m raising an evil genius.
Me: *Swimming with dolphins*
Wife: How the hell did you get those in the tub?
Jeff Bezos this morning:
“Alexa, end my marriage”
when i was in costa rica a waiter dropped off a bottle of ketchup unprompted so yes i have experienced racism as a white man
It tastes nothing like bourbon btw
*Moves manger so the baby Jesus can watch Die Hard*
GOLFER: what r u thinkin
ME (caddying): honestly sometimes i wake up & am mad that im not dead
GOLFER: jesus. i meant what club should i use
well. like. what the hell does that leave me with then i mean cmon
Why is there a show called “When Animals Attack”? It should be called “When Stupid People Go Near Dangerous Animals.”
I bet every time Beyoncé leaves a restaurant everyone fights over who gets to smell her chair
Obama keeps trying to get me to kiss this top secret document from Syria but I keep telling him I’m not the kinda guy who’ll kiss intel
Wife: Are you still tweeting about me being in labor?
Me: Now I’m live tweeting “The Walking Dead.”
Wife:
Me: Everything isn’t about you.
Years ago, scientists knew barely anything about space! It was probably because those scientists were babies
My friend offered me a free pole dance class. I said no. With my debt, the last thing I need to find out is that I’m great at pole dancing.
Never had a gay thought in my life but when Daniel Craig jumps onto the back of the train & adjusts his cuff I now kind of get it.
You can tell they named the aardvark early in the week and the anteater on a Friday.
If I was a germ, I’d probably be from the 0.01% that Purell can not kill.