Me: *coming out of my house two months from now, squinting into the light*
Neighbor: how was your quarantine?
Me: quarantine?
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Therapist: and what do we say when your coworkers start to annoy you?
Me: if I see you outside I’m going to run you over.
Therapist: what? No.
My neighbors still have their Christmas wreath on the door. I was gonna knock to complain, but I don’t like confrontation so I just stole it.
with extra mice
“rice or mice”
mice
“we don- are u a snake”
yes
“we cant deliver to a snake”
d’you know how long it took to dial this number
Pack fruit in your lunch so it can decorate your desk until you take it home again.
Ask yourself this: will it matter a year from now?
If the answer is yes, I am sorry. You were supposed to say no.
me: i wanna see how high this cliff is
Charles Darwin: ok, go ahead
me: ill jump off and you count how long im in the air
Charles Darwin: wait but that could ki-
me: what
Charles Darwin:
me: that could what Charles
My boss is having a colonoscopy today.
I sure hope they find his head.
Yes, I would like to see a wine list, because I don’t mispronounce enough words in my day-to-day life.
Maybe the reason Miss Piggy is still single is she has a fear of kermitment
me: I quit, here’s my badge and gun
head lifeguard: your what
Space could be filled with vampires, but we would never know, because telescopes use mirrors.
Why do all Gas Station restrooms look
like you just walked in on an exorcism.
why didn’t scooby doo smell that the ghosts were human
Hey, your parents conceived you the same year my parents conceived me, let us be friends! High school is stupid.
Let’s call wedding invitations what they are; a bill.
me: I’m doing marathon training
friend: that can really help you in the long run
me: I know what it’s for
Those 11 British actors I watch on every single show must be so tired.
Arguing with guy at the bar and he claimed Wikipedia was an unreliable source, suggesting instead that I listen to him, a drunk guy at a bar
Doctor: I have some bad news
Me: Why can’t my grandma tell me?
Doctor: I’m afraid she passed
Me: oh no
Grandma: Yeah screw that, I’m not doing it
ME *enters new password*
COMPUTER: Ok
M: Aren’t u going tell me it’s too weak?
C: I’ve seen your life & more criticism just seems unkind
Would it kill the makers of avocados to put a different toy inside?
When I was much younger, my father giving me a sip of some Budweiser beer hoping to somehow sway me from drinking beer. All it did was teach me what beers to avoid.
Brie is my favorite cheese that sounds like a white girl you meet for a mani/pedi while drinking Chardonnay & quoting “Mean Girls.”
People complain about crying babies on airplanes, but in my experience a crying pilot is worse.
RIDDLER: What belongs to you, but others use it more than you do?
ME: Every piece of kitchenware I own?
RIDDLER: Well, no, but
Her: I’m breaking up with you
Me: Don’t leave me oh please! Why?
Her: It’s the way you have to arrange every sentence you say alphabetically, it’s weird.
Me: No oh 🙁
My dance moves are best described as a woman trying to put on pants 4 sizes too small, with a wasp flying around her head.
I want to know about the Oreo incident…
Look, woman, I’ll do laundry when I’m out of clean clothes. *puts on skirt* I didn’t say whose clothes.
Invention idea:
Written versions of audio books.