[texting]
Wife: Clean out your bowels.
Me: OK.
Wife: *bowls. The ones in the sink
Me: *chugging laxatives* Damn it.
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Me: I read this great article today.
Wife: About what?
Me: The effects of aging on the brain.
Wife: Cool. Send me a link.
Me: To what?
I was 36 before I figured out most of my dad’s advice to me was just quotes from Burt Reynolds movies.
WAITER: questions about the menu?
ME: is it recycled paper?
WAITER: no, i meant about what’s on it
ME: oh. what kind of ink is this?
“I heard the Delta and Omicron variants have reportedly fused together producing Deltacron!”
“Ugh, even COVID variants are having sex and I am not.”
“Welcome to the library, can I help you”
“Yeah I need you to make copies and and find the forms I need from this website and print them and also could I get a pen and an envelope”
“Shall I pick up your dry cleaning too?”
“Oh my gosh do you guys do that, that would be amazing”
My favourite drivers are the designated ones.
[baby sitting]
“Hey, yeah it’s me. No, everything’s fine. Just a quick question about his legs.”
“…”
“So how many legs did he have?”
A haunted house, but instead of masked creatures it’s filled with everyone’s mother-in-laws.
ME: these gummy bears are delicious
WIFE: those are daily vitamins
ME: *holding the couch over my head with one arm* I can’t find the remote
Ask your doctor if asking your wife what she did all day is right for you
The first of Jay-Z’s 99 problems is the obsessive compulsive disorder that requires him to know his precise number of problems at all times.
I’m like a potato because I’m:
-not special, but I’m usually likeable
-full of carbs
-not always good for you
-really white under this outer layer
-round
-smashable
-more interesting when I’m salty
-tasty if slathered in butter
I call my phone Lois because it doesn’t recognize me without my glasses
16yo daughter; “I love listening to the oldies!”
*plays The Smiths
Me: Uncontrollable weeping
named my phone lois lane bc it doesn’t recognize me with glasses on either.
Judge: You shot him. How do you plead?
Me: Bleed? NO. He was the one bleeding
Judge: HAHA
Me: HAHA *High five?
Judge: Ten years with no bail
[Installing ceiling fan]
Me: drill…screwdriver… tape…there finished!Wife on the phone: Is this Bob’s fix-it shop? Yeah, he just got done.
Audrey Hepburn probably has my favorite last name that combines an STD and a symptom of an STD
what idiot called it tinted windows instead of a drug car tell
What kind of cheese do you pair with a rare bottle of ‘08 Lysol?
Parenting is cheering on your kid’s winning softball team all weekend and then cheering on the Sunday rain for cancelling the rest of the games.
My work here is done
We’re all ridiculous…
It’s not a competition.
my boss said “why is your shirt untucked” and I said “bc my pants are tucked into my shirt” and now i’m the sales manager
Crazy how women have the stereotype of being chatty when 90% of dudes have 45 minute podcasts that no one listens to…
If you give a man a fish, that fish is basically gone. Way to lose your fish
Yeah, conservatives. I will marry a dog. I’ll marry 12 dogs. I’m a dog mormon now.
When faced with a dilemma, I just whisper softly to myself
” What would Homer Simpson do?”
Sexy Time:
*removes fluffy bathrobe to reveal second even fluffier bathrobe*
I requested better work conditions but my boss screamed and threw his toy at me and now we’re both sitting in the playpen crying