Everyone was naming their favourite French movie and I couldn’t think of one so I just said “Ze Hurt Lockair”.
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My iPhone won’t even recognize my fingerprint unless it’s got crumbs on it.
First person ever to clap: *starts smacking hands together*
People: Look at this idiot…we should do it too
Husband out of the room for a minute asked me about something I saw on the news but I didn’t know the answer bc I was listening but I wasn’t like science listening.
Before cellphones, my mom would open the window and scream my name until I came back home.
Q: What’s the safest place to be during a North Korean missile strike?
A: The place they are aiming at.
If you’re a pilot with a man bun, I’m calling you Top Bun, and you can’t stop me.
you gotta kiss a lot of frogs before you find one that’s a good kisser
Relationship status: my last pickpocket had really gentle hands.
This year is like when you accidentally touch wet cat food.
A magician’s assistant wears two layers under her costume: a bra, cadabra
Want to send a 4-year-old boy into a blind rage? Repeatedly tell him he’s wrong and you are positive their names are “Batman and Robert”.
According to WebMD, given my symptoms, I died 9 years ago.
“Mom?”
“Yes?”
“Are we having seafood for dinner?”
“No, why?”
“I heard Dad on the phone.”
“And?”
“He said that he picked up a case of crabs.”
On Sunday
Him: Wanna go out Saturday?Me: that’s my shower day.
I can pencil you in for Friday though.Him: no thanks
Not everyone realizes this, but if you clean the pile of receipts out of a purse and stack them together, it makes a teeny tiny book about why you’re broke.
[zoo]
ME: Haha…this one’s face!
WIFE: Tha-
M [bangs on glass]
W: Stop it
M [pulls funny face]
W [elbows me aside] So sorry, 2 tickets pls
GIRL: daddy look it’s a killer whale
WHALE: for your information I’m only a suspect at this point
I don’t believe in reincarnation but damn my dog looks like he’s trying to crank over a motorcycle while he’s sleeping.
“Emergency Defibrillator”
As opposed to the one we keep around for fun?
[dog park]
Dog: omg I just found out I’m adopted
Other Dogs: [barking in shock]
Wife: Could you be dehydrated?
Me: Of course not.
W: How much water have you had?
Me: Two coffees & a bourbon.
W: Wow.
Me: Told you.
*Paul Ryan watches a children’s hospital explode*
Hhhhmmm, an affordable source of heat and light
I’m not sure which is worse:
People who force their religion on you…
Or
Anyone who’s ever said “Oh it’s because I’m a Virgo.”
Learning how to say “where the hell am I?” in eight languages. Just in case.
Interviewer: So, what makes you think you’re a good candidate for this Automotive Shop?
Me: I tire easily.
Me, a cowboy: *gallops heroically into town*
Sheriff: can i help you son?
Me: *sweating profusely* has – has anybody seen my horse?
I live in fear of my kids going outside when it’s raining, because they could get wet and multiply.
me: sorry for speeding officer
cop: you’re parked
me:
cop: in the intersection
me: I can smell your thoughts
cop: *into shoulder mic* Ron I owe ya $20 it’s edibles
I love you so much, I’ll just sit at home and stare at my phone to make you notice.