[at craft beer festival]
Me: Miller Lite, please
*ukulele girl stops playing*
Bartender: *blinks repetitively*
Baby: *throws unsweetened hemp milk bottle at me*
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*walks up to microphone during wedding reception*
*taps on mic; everyone smiles*
“Anyone that doesn’t want their cake, pass it to me please”
Me sneaking to the kitchen at 2am to get a peanut butter bar
The 5 Love Languages
Physical Touch: my loneliness is killing me
Words of Affirmation: I must confess I still believe
Quality Time: When I’m not with you I lose my mind
Gift Giving: give me a sign
Acts of Service: hit me baby one more time
What kind of bait does a librarian use when he goes fishing?
A bookworm!
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#ThursdayThoughts #ThursdayVibes
me: [placing 20 bags of pizza rolls onto counter]
cashier: getting ready for the big snow storm?
me: snow storm?
School is much tougher for kids these days. Now when they don’t get their homework done they have to come up with an excuse like, “The dog ate my laptop”.
Today is the first day of the rest of your life and you’ve already screwed it up.
waiter: would you like the bill?
me: no
When the cops are at your door have on a cape, carry a wand, and tell them you’re a magician when they ask how your boyfriend disappeared.
when you lie on your résumé about your qualifications and then show up day 1
I’m concerned that the Mars Perseverance rover is stealing jobs from space cowboys
Ok whatever idiot taught my kids that they’re beautiful just the way they are, can you tell them they still need to bathe.
Wife: [eyes glinting] Kids are at mums tonight, know what that means?
Me:
W:
M: Cool! You get the popcorn, I’ll break out the ‘Sopranos’ boxset!
I need to delete some of my fake dating profiles. It’s gotten so confusing I just met myself at Starbucks.
“please feel free to ignore this email” – respectful, timely communication, probably requesting something that I can handle in a couple minutes
“I need this ASAP” – well you shoulda asked yesterday pal
Scream sneezers need love too.
Ever get up, put the dogs out, unclog the overflowing toilet the wife left for you, get dressed for work, let the dogs in and then wake up in the easy chair and find you’re 20 minutes late?
Just me?
Me: Sometimes I cannot think of anything to say.
She: And yet you don’t shut up.
Remember that time when you didn’t call, & a giraffe round house kicked your neck, & you fell off a merry-go-round & died?
So sad. Really.
*Feels the cool breeze caressing my skin*
Cool breeze: I have a girlfriend
My kid was mad at me and said, why don’t you CROCHET!?? and it made me laugh…and made her madder.
You know those lines you see painted on parking lots? I know this will come as a shock to some of you, but you’re supposed to park between them.
Me: Those shoes are fresh!
12: Mom. No.
Me: Don’t be whack.
*walks into hospital carrying baby*
“What’s your return policy on this thing?”
her: why is there a duck on your shoulder?
me: he’s my life coach
her: you wanna go to olive garden?
*duck whispers in my ear*
me: that’s a yes
If it was really a smart phone it would have recognize that it was an ignored call, not missed.
[reaches into pocket for car keys]
Hand: I got nothing
Brain: they only ever go in that pocket
Hand: well I’m here & they’re not so
Brain: so we’re walking cos I put them in there & if they’re not there then they’re lost
Other hand: holy shit you guys are not gonna believe this
After hitting that pothole I can see spring’s in the air…along with a wheel and the rest of my suspension.
i watch horror movies on the toilet so i can be scared shitless