“Another pancake?”
“No, honestly, 38 is enough for me”
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My cat had been housebound for two weeks after beating up another cat in that cat’s house. I let her out yesterday just to see if she was ready to be a law abiding citizen. She went straight to go beat up that cat again 🙃 she’s back inside indefinitely
“Daddy, how are babies made?”
“Well son, when a man and a woman have too much to drink..”
“Go down, Moses.” And he did. And that’s why the ladies loved him.
Axl Rose: You know where you are? You’re in the jungle, baby
Tarzan: yeah but why are you here.
Finally going to watch Titanic, no spoilers please.
Baby will you be my friend with benefits cause I have an upcoming procedure and don’t have health insurance.
internal pockets are for perverts. stay chaste by only using cargo pockets
Her: I love you so much
Me: Hey, *puts my hand on her shoulder* we all make mistakes sometimes.
One of the best
[In the car]
4 year-old: What’s this song called?
Me: “Don’t Speak.”
[10 minutes of silence later]
Me: You alright buddy?
4: Yeah you said don’t speak.
Guys, I did it. I found the Holy Grail of parenting.
Teens are like the Magic 8ball of humans, they think they have all the answers & you want to shake them because what they said was stupid.
Him: I can’t wait to sit with you and watch the sunsets this summer.
Me: Oh that will never happen.
Him: Are you breaking up with me?
Me: No. It’s just the sun doesn’t set until like 9pm and that’s way past my bedtime.
[on way to play charades with gf’s family]
I don’t wanna go
why
I don’t wanna look silly
you won’t
*first thing I have to act out is pasta*
“Are we there yet?”
“ Ha ha! Yes, kids. We’ve been here the whole time! We live in this car now.”
You’re erasing syllables to make the word shorter. I’m adding syllables to make the word longer. We are not the samerino
Lightly used fish tank for sale on eBay.
Does not contain three goldfish ghosts.
If you don’t call ahead of time I won’t answer the door, but I don’t answer phones, so you see the dilemma.
Seekh Kebab
Not attention
Hey maybe the dark matter in the universe is actually all the money that is owed to freelancers.
WIFE: Don’t go into the ball pit with the kids. You always lose your keys.
ME: *already in the ball pit* You’re not going to believe this.
One day you’re young and carefree and the next your husband says something like “the bowl can’t be hotter than the soup” and you’re trying to figure out when this old man moved into your home.
If you judge how good or bad someone is at breathing are you aspi-rating?
[heaven]
IAN: I only regret the things I didn’t do
ME: Me too
I: Like, I didn’t swim with dolphins. You?
M: I didn’t stop poking a bear
me: sorry, I move around a lot in bed
GF: it’s ok lol
[middle of the night]
me: [taps GF on the shoulder] I just bought a house in Montana
Me: haha should I get out and push
Everyone on The Submarine: YES
If I were Cinderella, I wouldn’t have settled for a guy who couldn’t even remember what my face looked like.
Be the reason your therapist reevaluates their entire career.
“After seeing the way these common processed foods are made, you’ll never want to eat them again!”
I ate grass when I was little because I thought I was a horse. I guarantee you my care of what goes into my body is much lower than you give me credit for.
My doctor told me to get my affairs in order. So line up guys, let’s get you numbered.
[at the bar]
Her: My break up has been so hard…nothing could possibly hurt as much as this!
Sticks A Knife In People Steve: Lol