14yo: My voice keeps randomly changing
DOCTOR: That’s normal at your age
14yo: [Batman voice] Thank you doctor
DOCTOR: That’s not normal
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“Missed you.”
– a lover“Missed you.”
– a sniperContext is important.
Him: You seem super chill.
Me: You seem like a bad judge of character.
Fun Fact: There are only 4 actors in the entire United Kingdom at any one time and they take turns playing every role in every British TV show and movie. Here they currently are:
Me: so this is a weird photo shoot lmao
The cop who’s processing me: would you just shut up already
I’m sorry for the things I said about you when I was hungry.
dad: you losing weight
me: are you asking me bc i look skinnier or because i changed my diet
dad: yes
A student today met with me virtually in her pajamas with a blanket and a hippopotamus crocheted hat on. I was so jealous.
The Compass
Pennywise “I have alcohol down here”
*All of Twitter goes missing*
Why do they tell you a towns population when you drive passed it. Oh 4000 people live there? That’s perfect. I actually need 4000 people
I have decided to keep my uncomfortable home office chair
This encourages me to spend less time in it
I’m done – Now even the damn ouija board is asking me who I’m voting for in the election
I’d been waiting so long for my doc, when the assistant came out and called for Krokowski, I said right here, here I am and ran back before Krokowski knew what happened.
Nobody:
Neighbors: THEYRE ASLEEP LETS SET OFF ALL THE FIREWORKS
Thinking about that time I used a pic of katy perry as my avi and a dude got so mad that I wasn’t actually katy perry that he called me a catfish and blocked me. Wonder how he’s doing now
My current situation
[before sex]
Me: *taking off clothes* they call me the matador
Her: why’s that?
Me: *crawling in bed with socks on* the red flags
Friend: wanna do a Boston marathon with me?
Me: is that on Netflix?
Friends don’t take videos of friends playing drunk Twister in positions that only gynecologists should ever see.
crossbreed every type of dog until all you’re left with is an everything beagle
Her: *Looking at furniture we can’t afford*
Me: You know you can’t have that, why do you tease yourself?[A few hours later]
Me: *Watching sportsball on TV*
Me: *Perks up at cheerleader*
Her: *Just raises one eyebrow*
*falls down*
Mom: What was that?
Me: My shirt fell
Mom: It sounded much heavier than a shirt
Me: I was in it
What can I buy my wife for Valentine’s Day that finally proves to her once and for all that I have absolutely no idea what she likes or who she is?
My daughter: I don’t need your help. Unless it’s like really difficult. Or costs more than twenty dollars.
That’s shocking!! Hold on.
*quickly draws overly arched eyebrows*
Ok. Go on.
Who called it sex ed and not getting an edufornication?
Those 3 little letters that mean so much: PTO
– You need you refresh your style, dear..Orange is so last year
-.. meow?
I cleared the leaves out of my flower bed because I practice good floral hygiene.