Concussions are like pineapples: what was the question.
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Overheard in hair salon: “I have LITERALLY no shorts. Like I seriously have only 4 or 5 pairs of shorts.”
This is why I can’t stand people.
[getting hypnotized]
ME: *clucks like a chicken*
HYPNOTIST: I haven’t started yet
What if instead of startling someone you could stople them. Just like, do something that makes them instantly really relaxed
Remember when The Backstreet Boys told us to show them the meaning of being lonely and we were like ok
I’m pretty disappointed that an unknown Uncle hasn’t left me a haunted mansion and millions of dollars by now.
Alarm: beep beep beep
Me: I respectfully decline.
After a blazing row with the girlfriend, we agreed there’d be makeup sex on date night, but I turned up in full Joker face paint and am now single again.
If I was named Edward Normus, I’d use my first name’s initial and my last name as much as I possibly could.
My career as a mortician ended when I couldn’t hear the word succumb without giggling.
The other day I walked past a neighbor’s house and the parrot on their porch whistled at me.
If I were a therapist, I would prescribe this to everyone with depression, every day, forever.
BRB gonna walk past my neighbor’s house
Very normal stages of anger:
1) kinda upset
2) crying
3) imagining yourself singing a revengeful song to them at a talent show
*Seductively hides in the woods
her: go on, thrust your fist in deep enough to make the eyes spin
me: I never realised ventriloquism school would be so hard
DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE SO MANY DIFFERENT KINDS OF BIRD SEED? THERE’S REGULAR SEED AND RUSTIC SEED, VARIEGATED SEED, SUNFLOWER SEED, SAFFLOWER SEED. CANARY SEED, GOLDEN MILLET, RED MILLET, FLAXSEED, WHITE PROSO MILLET, THISTLE, SHELLED AND CRACKED CORN…….
ME: these fireworks are so quiet
WIFE: those are palm trees
scientist: I’m gonna watch people sleep and count how many spiders they eat in a year
Me: Maybe you should slow down on those granola bars. We got 30 yesterday. And there are…4. 4 left.
Husband: This house is a prison.
Some of you ladies must go through an astonishing amount of laundry considering how wet you always are
All the people upset over same sex marriage didn’t seem to mind when Paula Abdul was openly dating a cartoon cat in the late 80s.
I recently took a pole
And found that 100% of the people in the tent were angry when it collapsed
Nothing displeases me more than when a friend gets into a serious plane crash after I’ve specifically told them to have a safe flight.
I’m not saying I’m getting fat, but my dirty talk in bed is mostly just recipes for pies.
When my kids aren’t listening to me I just yell ignore me! And then I feel better that they’re finally listening.
When you drive by a cop car and wonder if you did rob a bank and just forgot about it
I still close the bathroom door when I’m home alone bc I don’t want the murderer to break in and see me on the toilet.
ME: wow look at all these hotties
FIREFIGHTER: *rescuing a sixth person from a burning building* stop calling them that
Please continue finishing your text in the crosswalk, Mr. Pedestrian. It’s not like I’m driving a giant metal instrument of death.
mental health is a lot like normal health in video games, where if your meter goes down you can just eat a can of baked beans to get it back up. you can get more mental health with the beans