FUN FACT: A collection of Russell Crowe movies is called a murder of movies.
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my boss said “why is your shirt untucked” and I said “bc my pants are tucked into my shirt” and now i’m the sales manager
Me, to my cousin Chad: You might wanna sit down.
im gonna have a productive weekend
*watches 3 seasons of a show*
*organizes shirts by softness*
*naps 5 times*
ugh i never have enough time
“Bob is coming over for dinner tonight.”
Bob from work or Bob that ended the dinosaurs?
*the sky turns red and warm*
i just want a guy i can call papi (not in the grandpa way)
When you ask your waiter for an extra pickle, don’t wink. It can easily be misinterpreted.
“Do you want to hold my baby?”
Yeah nice try. You got yourself into this mess you hold your own damn baby.
How to be a politician: 1. Tell people what you’re going to do 2. Don’t do it 3. Change the subject.
LA today:
[first date]
OK don’t let her know you’re a snail
Waiter: Would you like some salt?
[flips table over] OH HELL NO [bolts out real slowly]
Me: I’ll take $2,000, Alex.
Alex Trebek: In which category?
Me: No question. I just need $2,000.
If you’re wondering whether an orchid can survive a spin in the washing machine, my 2yo can now tell you it can’t.
PERSON: Your baby is so cute
ME: Oh thank you
PERSON: They’re gonna be a real heartbreaker!
ME: Oh I hope not but thanks
PERSON:
ME:
PERSON:
ME:
PERSON: They’re going to devastate everyone who ever loves them
ME: Okay we gotta go now
Ever get home, look at your hair in a mirror, and wonder how many small children you terrified while you were out
Kids be like “I owe you $5, would you like it all in quarters?”
advocating for yourself is so awkward. i wish more professions had agents. i just want a little hype man to meet with my boss and say things like “my client deserves more pay” and “my client is really good at his job” and “i love my client so much does he look taller?”
me: [pooping in a basket]
hot air balloon pilot: ok everyone out.
Me: C’mon, baby. Just the tip?
Her: No!
Me: Awww, cmon!
Her: No, you’re paying the whole bill this time.
So I recently learned that that plastic thing you pull off the top of the Pringles can can be put back on so it’s like you never opened it.
Still not sure why you would need this though.
Introducing new iPhone 5 features:
– Patented Ultrablack color technology.
– Siri is less of a cunt.
– Contains 1 mg of Steve Jobs’ ashes.
A smart Halloween costume would be an angel costume because if you died, you could just sneak your way into heaven & be like “I’m back yall”
Just did the math and found out I can retire next year if I start saving $144,468.02 a month.
Got fired from the call center for changing all the ringtones to “Baby Shark”.
One of my favourite summer activities is to pretend I don’t know what a motorcycle is. It seems to sting worse because I’m a heavily tattooed blonde woman. I like to keep saying ‘it sounds like you’re describing a bicycle?’
The part I don’t like about the show Unsolved Mysteries is when the mysteries don’t get solved.
Farmer: Here, take a gander.
Goose: No! My husband!
Our 10 year old keeps asking me for his first mobile phone and every time he does I ask him ‘who you gonna call?’ and until he answers me correctly he sure as shit isn’t getting one
I went to Lowe’s to buy a human-sized microwave & the guy loudly said they don’t exist & then took me to a back room & they had lots of them
It may just be the parasite talking, but I’m going to climb that super tall building over there and release all my spores.
*date*
GIRL: I love hot tubs. Do you love hot tubs?
LOBSTER: That’s like the third time you’ve asked me that.