I just got back from a father and son fishing trip. I caught four fathers and nine sons.
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Dear dads, you don’t actually have to wear athletic clothing to your kids’ games. You’re literally just going be be sitting.
There’s never a good place to clip your toenails at the library.
Me: *winks*
Him: *googles signs of a stroke*
My girlfriend told me she needed a hip replacement. So I found a vegan yoga instructor that let’s me do whatever I want.
Me: I have a Black Belt
Her: Karate?
Me: Faux leather. 40”
Mix it up a little. Text a random phone number the following msg:
“The fat one won’t fit into the woodchipper. What do you want me to do?”
people see me spend money and think im rich bro im just irresponsible
Upon finding I was going to the dentist to have a tooth pulled, I did what any 6 year old would do and armed myself with rocks that I threw at him as soon as he came in
I ended up getting a spanking AND my tooth pulled but no way was I going down without a fight.
I wish my car’s back-up camera had a “Save” button, because some of the expressions on their faces.
Instead of seizing the day, I’m going to make little “shoo shoo” motions at it.
He asked me to do something freaky in the bedroom so I stayed awake for two days
I’m pretty sure I have all of those countless hours spent playing Tetris to thank for my mad dishwasher loading skills.
i ain’t victim blaming, but why tf would you tell a wolf where your grandmother lives
Nobody was healthier than my vegan, gluten-free friend Chad until the day that baby squirrel beat him to death.
Beauty & the Beast 2 is just 90 minutes of Belle and the prince shopping for new furniture after it all turned back into people.
[tornado warning]
*locks children and dog safely in basement*
*perches in a tree with binoculars*
Netflix asked if I was still watching Barbie Dreamhouse Adventures and I clicked continue watching and then realised none of the kids had been in the room for at least half an hour
He also looks really rough for a 4 year old
My toddler does this thing when he’s angry or frustrated where he growls. I been telling him to calm doon and stop. Two days ago buying a lemon and couldn’t open the bag to put it in so I growled loudly in the shop and now it all makes sense
He jumped out of the airplane wearing nothing but the hand knitted parachute that his Nanna made especially for him.
Husband: How did the toaster break?
Me: I have no idea. I only dropped it once.
[on a date]
me: *whispers to waiter as I slide a $5 across the table* I’m going to the restroom. Make sure he doesn’t touch my fries.
When a man reaches 50, he starts to realize he’s got only 6 or 7 more Batmans left.
Before murdering someone ask yourself: Am I justified? Will I find forgiveness? Did I pay for the shovel in cash?
-gestures to everything in the Garage-
Me- THESE ARE MY TOOLS AND I AM THEIR KING!!!
Wife- YOU’RE a tool
Me- DAMN RIGHT I AM
Wait..what?
The question is not “Why is Instagram not working?”, but “Why does the world need another picture of you?” #instagramnotworking
UK and US word differences
UK | US
Crisps | Guns
Chips | Guns
Nappy | Gun
Biscuit | Gun
Pavement | Floor Gun
Lollypop | Gun
Gun | Two Guns
20% of being the BBC Wimbledon presenter is telling people what other telly programmes have been cancelled.
If I can only taste 999 islands I’m sending this dressing back.
Brought a ninja to a gunfight and it was really cool. Everyone clapped. Then they shot him.