I tried quitting this mom job but the exit interview was just my kids saying “But why?” for 4 hours straight.
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“I’ll take movies for $500 Alex”
Tim Burton directed this dark tale starring Johnny Depp & Helena Bonham Carter
“You gotta be kidding me”
At the bank and the teller asked the guy in front of me “how are you doing” and he took a deep breath and said “not great my cat f****ng hates me”
So it’s my turn and I go “that was the weirdest thing I’ve heard waiting in line here” and the teller says “I’ve met his cat. She does hate him.”
What is happening?
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
Me: [Hanging one-handed from a cliff, seconds away from death]
My kid: Can you hold this?
The adjective “interesting” is way more reliable when applied to cheese than when used to describe people.
If you ask me where your glasses are, and they’re on your head, I will help you look for them forever.
The Ugly Duckling is my favorite story about how everything is okay as long as you eventually become hot.
Me: [forgetting the word coconut] one hairy bowling ball please
“Stop hitting me.”
-Rock bottom.
What do you mean a good old fashioned ribbing has nothing to do with this rack of baby backs?
Traffic fantasy:
– Someone does something stupid
– I give them “the look”
– They learn their lesson
– The roads are safer because of me
Parent Tip: don’t tell your child “I’m waiting, I can wait all day if I have to” unless you’ve actually cleared your schedule for the day.
The staff at this long john silver’s is saying I’ve had too much popcorn shrimp, and they’re trying to wrestle away the keys to my eScooter.
My 4yo just tried to pass the 9 yo’s Mother’s Day card as her own, and while I don’t support lying I do respect the hustle
My 3yo said “Alexa” repeatedly for 5 minutes and when he finally walked away Alexa asked if I could put her in a dark room with a bottle of wine
Boss: what are you doing?!
Me: *hauling lighter fluid out of my trunk* You said we were having a fire sale
That which doesn’t kill you better run for its life when you get back on your feet.
“Having oatmeal for breakfast so I can get paid to poop at work.”
– Capitalism baby
Sieved flour to rule them all
A pinch of salt to grind them
Cup of milk, then mix them all
add an egg to bind them-Lord of the Onion Rings
I’ve been using special shampoo and I’ve noticed my hair is stronger, it benched 240lbs the other day
Shaggy: Scoob you can’t smoke nitrate ester, you’ll explode!
Scooby Doo: RONO₂! *Explodes and dies*
Nobody:
My husband: That’s it. I’m going to bring back jean shorts.
Went for a run and now I have to find a way to trade my body in for scrap
“These are serious allegations”
You never hear about anyone making hilarious allegations.
Pet peeve. Toilets that flush 4 me the moment I stand. I’d like to see the work I’ve done before it’s violently ripped from my view. #life
You Matter.
Unless you multiply yourself by the speed of light squared.
Then you Energy.
Boss: I suspect one of you is dead
[Everyone looks at me, except for Paul, who is not moving at all]
Why don’t people who are good at tarot cards just switch to blackjack?
at my girlfriend’s house for thanksgiving and i asked if we could watch the game and she said “of course!” then put on a gossip girl thanksgiving episode
Pollen count so high, junkies are trying to uncook their meth back to Sudafed.