Q: What’s worse than finding a horse’s head on your pillow? A: Realising the horse is alive and well and how much did I drink last night?!
You Might Also Like
It’s so rude how nobody has fallen madly in love with me today
god: welcome to heaven, bob. today we reunite you with your soulmate
bob: karen!
god: karen? your soulmate is a japanese farmer named oshi
not to brag but i don’t need alcohol to send texts i’ll regret
If someone asks what you do for a living and you reply “I’m a lunatic” they won’t ask any more questions.
Obama keeps trying to get me to kiss this top secret document from Syria but I keep telling him I’m not the kinda guy who’ll kiss intel
My daughter claimed that her knife skills are better than Chef Ramsay’s. So I tossed her a potato and asked her to peel it and she said, “With a knife?”
Don’t worry Chef Ramsay, your job is safe!
I identify as whoever’s credit card I just found
*sees a hot girl on the train*
“ay gurl check this out”
*i try to seductively eat a banana but i miss my mouth & smush it into my forehead*
Considering you can be anything you want on the internet,
it’s amazing how many choose to be stupid.
me: if only i could sleep AND get motion sickness
waterbed salesman: you’re not gonna believe this
I reward people who go looking for dust in my house with the satisfaction of finding some.
my wife: [hand on coffin] I just miss you so much
me: let me out then
When someone says they’ve been married for 20 beautiful years, I like to ask them “so how many years total?”
My wife got an organic, free-range, non-GMO, antibiotic-free turkey for Thanksgiving — and every one of those adjectives added 20 bucks.
I consider myself reasonably intelligent but I cannot process How to Play Complex Board Games. You all sound like, “and then if you roll a level-up glitter cabbage you get 6.5 ergometric points, which can be used every 4th turn as long as no one has zorped the Cones of Dunshire”
starbuck cashier: can i get a name
guy ordering in front of me: it’s Ben
me: ONE WEEK since you looked at me
While I was driving, my 4-year-old threw a shoe and honked the car horn and has officially outdone my husband as the worst back seat driver.
A “Purge” comedy where two pals accidentally kill someone a week before the purge and try to fake the person’s life until the murder would be legal.
Just because something’s vegan doesn’t mean it’s cruelty-free. For example, my ex-girlfriend
My wife got home and was mad when she saw I fed my son cake, banana, popcorn and M&M’s for dinner. I was like, “You saw the banana, right?”
Coworker: You smell good. What is that? Armani?
Me: Thanks! It’s Febreze. I just took a dump.
Prince: Rapunzel, let down your hair.
Rapunzel: Hair, you’ll never be beautiful, you’ll always have split ends.
*hair is super let down*
if i can have dinner w anyone dead and alive, i’d pick kate middleton
I want to be 14 again so I can ruin my life differently. I have new ideas.
I am a smart, funny, capable woman… who just tried to zoom in on a photo in a magazine by double tapping the page.
A pizza bagel is two foods that were just fine on their own but got sat on in a lunch bag.
This day in history. 1973. Pablo Picasso died leaving behind his wife, 4 children, and a dog with piano key teeth and a halibut for a tail.
I spent $500 on that Harvard application, damn right I framed the rejection letter.
Let he who is without sin throw the first stone. After that we’ll go by who has the birthday closest to today, then by height.