Setting a teachers salary based on student performance is akin to paying a zookeeper based on how well the monkeys are behaving.
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cops: we’re gonna test your blood for drugs
me: lol why? my blood didn’t do any drugs, i did
I named my two kids Madness and Sparta, and boy do I love introducing them to people
Woke up at 6 & went for a jog before hitting the gym for an hour. Now I’m back home, making up a bunch of absolute bullshit about my morning
Daughter: Before the internet how’d you get anything done?!
Me: I don’t remember honey. Google it.
It’s 2018, and Benjamin Button is still writing 2019 on his checks.
When guys tweet selfies they should totally place a few cartons of eggs into the background “accidentally” so women know they can afford eggs.
HER: i love bad boys
ME: [trying to impress] my mom thinks i’m in bed
I usually stumble upon her safe words by accident, like when I say ‘moist’ or ‘I paid full price for everything at Whole Foods’
‘Becoming A Mother Has Been The Most Thrilling Experience Of My Life,’ Reports Woman Fleeing Hospital With Stolen Baby
ME: i dropped acid almost every day for one year
my son Acid: is that why i can’t do math Dad
Just updated My Facebook status from “Single” to “In a Trinity”. #wayoverdue
I’ve just had to reset my password to Delicate Luggage Handler as I was told it had to be case sensitive.
*runs out of toilet paper*
“Good bye, infinity scarf”
most whales are bigger than a strawberry
“Wow, it’s pouring out there.”
“Just let a smile be your umbrella!”
“That’s not how rain works, Karen.”
Me: Hi, officer. I saw you coming up the driveway.
Cop: (sadly) Your son has been in an accident.
Me: I FLUSHED ALL MY DRUGS FOR THAT?!
[First date]
Me: What do you prefer, flat or sparkling?
Him: Water?
Me: No, my personality.
I left her for one minute to use the bathroom. One minute.
I LEFT MY TEDDY IN MY ROOM AND THE HOUSEKEEPER DID THIS??;!;!;!!;!;
“meet the 25 year old entrepreneur who is making tens of thousands a month” i dont want to do that. i want to hear about all of the people who are doing worse than me. i want to meet the 40 year old with no friends or prospects who is currently engulfed in flames
A San Francisco man is running seven marathons in seven days on seven continents; he’s expected to be seven times as annoying about it.
I drank my recommended amount of water today, yay!
Okay, well there was some vodka mixed in every cup, but still.
ok guys the gofundme I set up to hire a hitman to kill me is already at 3x its goal you can stop contributing
A British person, unable to stand upright due to the gust, leaves and twigs smashing into their head, with eyebrows blown clean from their face and sore eyes watering with tears quickly whipped away by the gale, is unable to resist uttering:
“Bit windy”
Aliens: take us to your leader
Me: ok guys listen- he’s probably going to deport you but there is a small chance he’ll want to marry you
Me: I like how you dyed all the meat green for St. Patrick’s Day.
Chipotle manager: It’s St. Patrick’s Day?
[during sex]
Her: talk nasty to me…
Me: the coconut flavored LaCroix…
Her: omg so nasty
Me: It’s like drinking a suntan lotion & tonic
*walks past yoga studio*
*looks in window*
*eyes widen*Awesome. It’s like kindergarten.
*walks into class*
*unrolls mat*
*takes a nap*
My daughter is serious about a guy she fell in love with at the zoo. She says he’s a keeper.
zoologist 1: whale
zoologist 2: we used that name already
zoologist 1: shark
zoologist 2: we used that name too
zoologist 1: whale-shark
zoologist 2: hot dog you’ve done it again sir