I just ran into my high school bully and it was great cause I’m doing well and he’s 17 which is very old for a dog
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It’s ok, stock market. I’m steadily declining every day too.
Stop legislating morality, instead of serving size just TELL us what the whole party size bag of Tostitos calorie count would be FFS
Her: It must be difficult raising a child on your own.
Me: *lifting kid up* Nah its easy, dummy.
My son asked me the definition of impending doom. I just said, ‘you know when you smell dog poop in the house, but you can’t see it?
That.’
[job interview]
What’s your biggest weakness?
Ahhhhhhhhhhh!!! Sorry about that. Questions, definitely questions.
sumtimes i go 2 hard tho
{at the dentist}
Hygienist: Let’s just have a look
Me, panicking: I’m so sorry! I used all my dental floss to lace my shoes.
Hygienist: Last time you said you were abducted by aliens who wouldn’t let you floss.
DAD: Hugh, please. It’s a perfectly fine name. Stop complaining.
HUGH J’DISAPPOINTMENT: It’s not my first name I’m upset about.
sometimes I worry that my diseases are saving up to move to a better person in a more desirable location
Me: *climbing down* The best revenge is living in a well.
Friend: That’s not the saying!
Me: *shouting up* You’ll all be sorry!
I always get suspicious when I don’t see dishes in the sink like, wait, did I remember to feed the children?
Before kids: “I will make everything from scratch. We’ll be so healthy.”
After kids: “Someone bring me my binder of takeout menus.”
People will come in and out of your life. Make sure they’ve gotten the flu vaccine.
-inspirational tweet
Kids will do something that makes you angry and you’ll tell them it makes you angry and they’ll cry and tell you they don’t want you to be angry while continuing to do the thing that makes you angry.
Apparently banging the hell out of this remote doesn’t seem to be recharging these dead batteries.
Clean sheet day!!
*brushes Pringles crumbs over to his side of the bed*
There’s 8 people waiting on me to get up and cook breakfast. Someone come kidnap me please.
Relationship stress can make you very confused!
Could you believe me , I entered a taxi today and forgot to sit down ?
moms in horror movies
I’m in that fun part of a relationship where everything is new and exciting and we are learning things about each other and I don’t poop.
Me, looking at Met Gala outfits: But how do they go to the bathroom in that?
[bursts into garage]
“why is your car still on? you’ve been in here for 3 days”
i’m trying to kill myself
“but you drive an electric car”
Tip: When the cop asks you “Do you know how fast you were going?” do NOT respond with “I know, right?!”
My brain doesn’t sea typos until I’ve already hit send.
married sext…
him: I’ll be home soon
her: don’t you threaten me
If my mother only knew the things I say on Twitter………. I’d be sitting in the corner with a bar of soap in my mouth and grounded.
[loudly in front of a bunch of ducks] “OH NO I SEEM TO HAVE BROUGHT TOO MUCH BREAD WITH ME WHATEVER SHALL I DO?” *ducks try to play it cool*
Not to brag but a girl at this party said I look like the Hulk, of course it was when I was turning green from drinking too much, but still…
Misinterpreted some rabbit prints in the snow and told my scout troop to look out for babies running at 35mph.
“Oh hey there, didn’t recognize you with your cap on,” I say flirtatiously to my toothpaste.