Guest in disgust:
This tastes like feet!Host: Dammit Eloise! What have I told you about substituting ingredients in recipes?
– cannibal dinner party
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Probably the worst thing about pyramid schemes is how they make you advertise to all your friends and family that you are part of a pyramid scheme.
[at haunted house, as the walls bleed and screams echo through the hallways]
oh cool. our cycles are synced.
Scissors [to Rock]: So you beat me & I beat Paper but how does Paper beat you?
[cut to Paper meeting a hitman] Make it look like an accident
I want the new mayor to do something about the size of the squirrels in this city, they’re too big and they’re only getting bigger.
A Jenga tower with French Toast sticks and every time you pull one out you eat it and if you knock the whole thing over you eat it.
Me: I wish Inigo Montoya appeared everytime “literally” is misused and did his “You keep saying that word“ bit
Genie: That ones on the house
Don’t get how mosquitoes can be so buzzy and annoying but also bite me 10,000 times without me noticing
Sorting out the photos on my phone now would be too easy. No, I’m going to wait another 5 years for when I’ve got several billion more
a depressed ship hitting an iceberg is called a sightanic.
My wife agreed to a water birth, so I’m setting up a slip’n slide in the front yard right now. I’m gonna wait at the end & catch him.
[opens jar of olives and pours them in my garden]
“Now grow to be a restaurant”
my good friends know that i’m just 4 voicemails and 10 texts away. like whenever they need me. when I’m available.
oh to be a capybara in an open air bath with an orange on its head
This bank app is great for checking account activity!
Also comes in handy when you just need a reason to cry.
CAR SALESMAN: Check out the reclining seats.
ME: Oh this baby is gonna get some action *winks*
[Cut to me asleep in car on my lunch break]
You don’t hear much about Snow White’s eighth dwarf, but they should never have trusted Clumsy with an axe.
*climbs Mt. Everest hoping to find clarity, PEACE & a deeper understanding of myself & the world*
“When did they put a Starbucks up here?”
Accordion to a recent survey, inserting musical instruments into sentences largely goes unnoticed.
Thinking about the time we told our 5 yo we were moving and he said he was gonna miss us.
If they’re old enough to go to school they’re old enough to hitchhike there.
If you’re head of the CIA and can’t hide an extramarital affair it means it can’t
be done. Case closed, fellas.
When I’m angry I drink more coffee. That way I’m still angry but I also have to poop.
What is the appropriate age to tell your child that you’ve given up on them?
Not to brag or anything, but I got the high score on my scale today.
“This sausage tastes funny.”
“Funny how? Like it’s made from a clown? Because it’s not. It’s absolutely not clown sausage.”
ME:After years dealing with my garbage-
RACCOON:*raccoon noises*
ME:*gets down on one knee* it’s become clear you’re the one for me
RACCOON:
God: got bears?
Noah: Yup
God: got birds?
Noah: Ya
God: Unicorns?
Noah: Um… the bears ate them
God: WHAT
Noah: IT’S A LOGISTICAL NIGHTMARE
I like to dye my hair when I stay in hotel rooms to make the housekeepers believe I’m on the run.
me: you remind me of my college boyfriend
husband: you never told me about him
me: we just started dating. he’s a junior
I just found my new favorite conspiracy theory …