I suggested some hiking trails for my ex, so I guess you can say I’m putting the path back in psychopath.
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My 3-year-old stubbed his toe and then cried and screamed I’M DYING,” so I silently looked at my husband and he sighed and said, “I know. He got that from me.”
A saltwater crocodile’s bite can exert up to 3,700 lbs of pressure per square inch, which scientists say is notably less than that produced by my Dad Stare. Tread carefully, chief
Me, first day as a prosecutor: *whispering* ᵍᵘⁱˡᵗʸ ᵖᵉᵒᵖˡᵉ ˢᵃʸ ʷʰᵃᵗ
Defendant: What?
Me: I rest my case, your Honor.
I went in to a pet shop. I said, “I would like to buy a goldfish?” The guy said, “Do you want an aquarium?”
I said, “I don’t care what astrological sign it is.”
were your parents the last ones to pick you up from school or are you normal
Me: I had to learn to drive on a stick
Daughter: Wow, you guys really were poor growing up. Did the stick at least have tires and an engine?
I think I am adventurous until I have to follow a detour or park in a tight lot
HER: I love Game Of Thrones
ME(trying to impress her): I slept with my sister
Sharp cheeses are so much better than dull cheeses
my ear. is inside out. and the human. is not home to fix it. i have put the household. on alert level. dark grey.
“I’m gonna make you so happy, baby. And then I’m gonna make you real sad.”
– gas station nachos
Monday 8am: I write a list of things that must get done today.
Monday 6pm: I scratch MON off of the top of the entire list and write TUES.
Friend: Call me when you wake up
[3 days later]
Me: Okay I’m up!
To the person that lost their iPhone 13 Pro Max at Costco… Please stop calling my new phone. Thanks
Your bio says you’re 29, your selfies suggest you slept with Hemingway.
reply and i’ll guess how many slim jims you can carry without dropping
Nope. Not gonna follow anyone whose name is upside down. I got enough problems.
My husband referred to one of my freckles as an age spot. Details to come on a candlelight vigil held in his honor.
how to have an accident 101
Me: Is that a web tattoo on your elbow because you like Spider-Man?
Them: Naw, I killed 5 people
Me: so you don’t like Spider-Man?
where it all went wrong:
“of course i know where we’re going”
I just want to be rich enough where I snap my fingers and 7 people fight over who gets to make me my next grilled cheese.
Cashier: “Sir, the toilet paper you’re buying goes on sale tomorrow.”
“COOL, I’LL CHECK WITH MY FAMILY TO SEE IF THEY CAN HOLD IT IN.”
Donald Trump has Muslim friends, Rick Santorum has gay friends, Ted Cruz has imaginary friends. #GOPDebate
I’d roll around in garbage with you. Not the garbage from the bathroom though, that’s gross, but the good stuff that comes from the kitchen.
when you miss your boat so you have to take the train
Hulk Hogan tries to quietly rip his shirt off during a funeral.
We’ve been so worried about my 95-y-o grandmother at a retirement home in New Orleans and she called today to say they ran out of Tito’s vodka and could we ship her some.
Me: I can’t wait to say goodbye to 2021!
2022: *Somehow already on fire*
WEATHERMAN: The fog is extremely dense
FOG: My husband took his secretary with him on a business trip, that’s normal right?