Glad my new mirror came w this manual. Let me see how this works.
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Alarms are for people without children or puppies
PMS: I’m sorry.
ME: Why? It’s a good day.
PMS: Wait for it.
ME: [2 secs later] DID MY PARENTS REALLY TAKE MY DOG TO A FARM WHEN I WAS 5?!
I just yelled at some kids to get off my lawn. They were my own kids, but they can find somewhere else to play like everybody else.
Watch it bro, your mouth’s writing checks your body can’t cash. Because you write really sloppy with the pen in your mouth. Seriously, wtf?
*corruptly eats pizza with a spork*
(To the pilot as I’m getting off the plane) Yeah right here is good.
My boss just sent me a text that she’ll be driving by in 15 minutes. Idk what she wants me to do with this info but I turned all of the lights off and unplugged the Christmas tree.
Zoos would be cooler if you had to fight each animal before you could see the next one
[dollar store]
ME: how much are your dollars
CLERK: a dollar
ME: okay I’ll take one dollar
CLERK: that’ll be one dollar
ME: thanks
CLERK: have a nice day
Hot girls who complain that you can’t get laid… do you live on a deserted island?
Listen, I hate you…
I’m just not… IN hate with you.
dracula: [busts into my room] ima suck that blood!
me: oh yeah? [does 10 quick shots of delicious Stoli Vodka] how bout now?
dracula: aw what the fudge dude i gotta drive home
me: [vomits on my duvet] checker mate bro lol
Hell yeah 👍
*comes into work with black eye* oh please I’m fine guys! But you shoulda seen the other guy. He was a cabinet door that i walked into
It’s my potent alchemy of humility and charisma that has you off-kilter. Give yourself a moment to adjust.
Everyone fondly remembers the ’80s until you take away their cell phones.
IF YOU CHOOSE NOT TO DECIDE, YOU STILL HAVE MADE A CHOICE is something I like to shout at people who hold up the line at Taco Bell.
Do you think I can get a new ringtone on this ankle monitor?
After searching every level of the parking deck, I’ve come to the conclusion that I will never remember where I parked my car, so looks like I’m gonna just have to buy another one and call it a day.
me: can I give your dog a pet?
him: sure
me: *places slightly smaller dog next to his*
dog: thanks
After sitting in the labor and delivery waiting room chairs for 12 hours, I need an epidural as much as those women in labor do.
Just got asked to promote something on my Twitter. I laughed. My followers would hate that! I was so mad I had to cool down with a Pepsi™
It’s so annoying when they tell you to reset the modem like, do you think I would call you if I knew which one was the modem?
I’d like you to meet my family, my wife Sharon, my son Carl, and this balloon that follows me around
Me: I love these lazy Sundays.
Boss: It’s Tuesday. Get off my couch and out of my office. And for Christ’s sake, put some clothes on!
Woke up with the sinuses of an English bulldog.
Prank: if you’re standing at a busy intersection light beside a guy staring at his phone take 2 steps forward & see if he walks into traffic
(Going through Emergency Go Bag)
Hubs: We have no matches or flint
Me: We don’t need any
Him: How would we start a fire if we needed one?
Me: (slaps my thighs) just let me run for a few minutes and the friction between these two bad boys will start a forest fire
Me: I’m heading to the grocery store. Any requests?
12-year-old: You know the stuff you usually buy?
Me: Yeah.
12: Don’t get any of it.
You know what? If Argentina wants to cry for me, I’m okay with that.